I initially downvoted this, but on further reflection, I've elected to novote — I think that there actually is a lot of charm to the kind of melodic, repetitive prose that you're going for here, like the others mentioned. But in the moment, I was unable to appreciate that because of a combination of certain stiff bits of prose and awkward dialogue that made the metaphor you were making here stumble.
Martin said this with the polite mannerism of a scholar, despite him being a humble street urchin.
It is only by acknowledging this, and to turn away from watching the clocks spin, that a pedestrian can grab a slice of happiness and cling to it.
They break the kind of dreamlike atmosphere to straight-up say things to the reader — "show don't tell" is an overused adage, but it applies well here, I think. I've also fixed some SPaG stuff — for future reference, prose continuing from dialogue shouldn't be capitalized, so
"Blablabla" She said.
is wrong, and should be
"Blablabla," she said.
Also this is a bit of a WL specific thing but I recommend using double-spaces for broken lines, just because of a quirk in how Wikidot parses text — it's much clearer and easier to read.
