Black White Dust / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Black White Dust.

Vishardsh 21 Sep 2022 06:48

This was a pleasure to help crit and I think that you've made significant improvements by streamlining this a little so that the reader can focus more on the themes and atmosphere (which were already good). +1 and well done

Maxyfran73 23 Sep 2022 19:05

There's still a couple weak points here and there, especially around the end segment ("I'm getting ahead of myself, and if I'm going to leave this note to whomever or whatever might find our barren world I should explain the third pest." feels too rushed as a sentence, so it kinda stalls the following part, for example), but the overall vibe is much clearer now, and the ending better presented, landing much better than before.

+1

Jackyfudge 23 Sep 2022 21:45

Would you think "I'm getting ahead of myself, I should explain the third pest" would work better?

Maxyfran73 23 Sep 2022 22:50

Something like "I'm getting ahead of myself; I should explain the third pest." or what you've done, with "I should explain the third pest: Slumber. It is slumber." could work.

What you're missing here is a pause to allow the reader to breathe and/or let them absorb the info, and I think this would help with that, yeah.

Rounderhouse 24 Sep 2022 05:09

Didn't enjoy this one too much, unfortunately. I think it was a combination of it being a bit short, so not really giving us time or room to get interested and invested in the character sharing this story with us. Their success and struggles didn't mean much because we don't really have a context for any of it beyond the description of the apocalypse we're given — which I felt was a bit trite and uninterestingly told. It's not a particularly imaginative idea for one, which is fine, but it also was kind of straightforwardly told, no real other shoe to drop, and basically proceeded exactly as expected. As a result, I didn't feel the atmosphere or mood of the piece as strongly as you intended.

Crow-Cat 27 Sep 2022 03:07

My thoughts are similar to Rounder’s. The matter of fact way the apocalypse is described, along with being given very little info on the civilization, makes it hard to get invested.

i like it

QuestioningEspecialy 24 Oct 2022 18:42

Didn't feel at all too short, and my only problems were some wording that I eventually accepted and a grammar matter or two. +1