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Its a nice narrative poem, and the word choice is good. However, the meter and rhythm is pretty irregular, which is not something you typically want in poetry. I've decided to no-vote, but I'd advise a re-work.
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
Hey; could you elaborate by "meter" and "rythm"? (Sorry for the apparent ignorance, I'm really not that well-versed in poetic/literary terms.
To clarify, the poem was never meant to be accompanied by song or tune if that's the issue. It was meant to be read as if a story.
In any case, thanks for the feedback, and especially for not choosing to downvote the page.
Meter and rhyme aren't specific to music; generally poems have some sense of meter and rhythm (repetition of stress and syllables to form a flow to how the poem is read).
Meter is built on syllables.
As a specific example, let us turn to the first stanza.
In lands of green and virtues true,
Where gardens sprawl and heroes too,
There always was to be a blight,
Challenging a "heroic" might.
. . . . . . . . (8 syllables)
. . . . . . . . (8 syl)
. . . . . . . . (8 syl)
. . . . . . . . (8 syl)
The meter of the first stanza is a steady 8. While not all poems have to be straight in meter, this stanza sets precedence for straight 8s.
When in battle rode sword and shield,
Adorned with serpents and charging field,
Fleeing foes struck by battle woes,
Serpents striking at sun-low.¹
. . . . . . . . (8 syl)
. . . . . . . . . (9 syl)
. . . . . . . . (8 syl)
. . . . . . . (7 syl)
Here you deviate from the pattern, with the lines of 9 and 7 being especially clunky due to this. Both stanzas are notated as Verse 1. In a typical epic, the stanzas in any one verse would be consistent with one another.
By dawn the rumour it had spread,
Of serpent venom and thousands dead,
Mythical creatures made by God,
Struck heroes down as if but a nod.²
. . . . . . . . (8 syl)
. . . . . . . . . (9 syl)
. . . . . . . . (8 syl)
. . . . . . . . (8 syl)
Here you have one line with an extra syllable.
Kings sent their men to hunt them down,
With soldiers burning town on town,
To no avail they searched 'til light,
Much to the serpent's right-hands delight.
. . . . . . . . (8 syl)
. . . . . . . . (8 syl)
. . . . . . . . (8 syl)
. . . . . . . . . (9 syl)
Another line with an extra syllable.
To avenge the people ruthlessly killed,
The Serpents set out over the hills,
Slaughtering soldier and causing fray,
Towers burning, stuffed with hay.
. . . . . . . . . . (10 syl)
. . . . . . . . . (9 syl)
. . . . . . . . . (9 syl)
. . . . . . . (7 syl)
Woah there.
To that day the people sing,
"That day they saved us from our King!"
And forever cemented in history,
The hands of the serpent remains a mystery.
. . . . . . . (7 syl)
. . . . . . . . (8 syl)
. . . . . . . . . . . (11 syl)
. . . . . . . . . . . . (12 syl)
Uh oh.
Here's what I'd recommend to fix your meter problem: using apostrophes to conceal certain syllables. This is called an elision (I pray to the grammar gods I'm using that word correctly). for example: "And for'ere cemented in hist'ry." would bring the line down to 9 syllables instead of the uncomely 11. Read it a few times out loud in comparison, counting syllables. Elisions take practice, and they don't apply to all words.
Overall, I'd say you really should pick a steady meter for each verse (or at least a regularly alternating one: i.e. 8 7 8 7).
Rhythm in poetry is something completely different that would take quite a hot second to explain. It is usually inherent in straight metered poems though, so you shouldn't have to worry too much about it(?).
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
Had a small redo of it to add some elision and hopefully make the poem less… brain meltingly annoying to read… anyways, it isn't anywhere near a complete redo, but I'm going to keep adding improvements to it to try and consistently make it better. Big thanks to you especially for the huge help.
I like it! I'd probably do another rewrite, this feels like more of a rough draft. Maybe redo verse 3.
Coming back to this I'm considering a rewrite because it seemed to get a (mostly) positive response. I'm especially happy with the constructive criticism I've received which will hopefully help me build on this poem, rather than just an outright downvote with no explanation you might get somewhere else. Expect some changes made soon.
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