This read almost as if the creators of Nightvale and Twin Peaks had a baby and that baby decided to start up a newspaper firm.
All in all, it was an enjoyable read- but a revision on comma usage and more variety in punctuation could also prove helpful.
Example: "Except, we did, but that’s a few years into the future and we don’t want to break the space-time continuum just yet (whatever that means)." is a good sentence- but the comma after Except is unnecessary.
These types of strange usages can be found periodically throughout the text- but don't seem to have any rhyme or reason behind them and kept jarring me out of immersion here and there.
There were also a few strange sentences that I think could benefit rewording.
Example: Across your house stood another house which was not a very surprising fact." for example didn't really flow well for me. Personally, I didn't find it a necessary sentence but if I were to change it, it would be something along the lines of " Across from your house stands another house. This is not a very surprising fact, as most houses have other houses across from them." This breaks up the sentence into multiple parts, complimenting the flow of speech you've already set, all while switching it to the more present tense sound of your newspaper article.
All in all- I think the piece could definitely benefit from a deep critique/edit- but outside of quibbles like that, it was definitely an interesting read!
I'm going to no vote for now- but I'd be happy to change that if a further revision does happen!