Crit Request: Turn off the Lights, I Want to Go Home in the Fog--1970

Summary:

A poem of San Francisco from the perspective of a Vietnam veteran taking place in a city reeling back, embroiled in the aftermath of what occurred at Kent State and the rapidly diminishing momentum/corruption of the ideals of counterculture of the era

Crit Request: Turn off the Lights, I Want to Go Home in the Fog--1970

lzhoudidion 13 Jan 2023 19:52

http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/lzhoudidion

(Poem is the main body)

I don't have much specifics nicking around in my mind, as of present, save for the question of flow. Does it flow well, given its format? Are there any places where the film spool seems slant, snip that need to be filled in? Is the abstract imagery cohesive enough to convey the visions turmoil, upheaval in a city racked by aftershocks and delirium?

(Poem has been posted—here)

Last edited on 14 Jan 2023 04:39 by lzhoudidion Show more

Re: Crit Request: Turn off the Lights, I Want to Go Home in the Fog--1970

Piano_WL 27 Jan 2023 19:14

My apologies that I didn't catch you earlier to be able to offer crit on this piece; that being said, I upvoted the post because to answer your question, it does flow quite well. Or, more accurately, it "doesn't," but it provides a stumbling-and-snagging sort of flow that feels meaningful and very appropriate for what you were writing about.