Crit Request: Draco

Summary:

a quick poem to go along with a drawing

Crit Request: Draco

MapmakerMapmaker 05 Feb 2023 21:47

A lovely person on the discord chat convinced me to start trying to post some of my stuff again.
This is meant to go along with a drawing I made that will be on the page. Unfortunately I am too lazy to put the picture in the sandbox right now but it's not important to the poem anyway.
Any constructive crit is appreciated! I didn't have a specific rhythm in mind since it's free verse written at 11 pm, but if you feel it needs that then please say so.
http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/mapmaker-s-musings

Re: Crit Request: Draco

cafecow 06 Feb 2023 23:13

Hello! I'm glad to hear that you're putting your work out there again! Overall I like the direction you're headed with this piece; your word choice is evocative and it has a pretty good flow in the later four stanzas.

My main critique is that I think the initial line and the first stanza could be rearranged to better help with the rhythm of the piece. I recommend either making the first two lines a couplet, or rolling the initial line into the first stanza. I don't have any crit on your word choice, you seem to have a really good handle on the voice and emotion of your work! I just think that tightening up that first half will really put you where you want to be in terms of formatting.

Re: Crit Request: Draco

MapmakerMapmaker 07 Feb 2023 03:18

Thank you! I played around with adding lines, but nothing really fit the same voice I was going for. It does flow a bit better now.

Re: Crit Request: Draco

cafecow 07 Feb 2023 14:07

Glad to help! If you need any more help feel free to ask.