Crit Request: three [EXPANDED]
This is a short poem I wrote where the author is reflecting about their life. Plan to share this in The Dreamer's Library theme.
Crit Request: three [EXPANDED]
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» Crit Request: three [EXPANDED]
Summary:
A [no longer] short philosophical poem
Hey there friend! Despite the length of this piece I think you did a good job at conveying solid emotion. I get the feeling that the speaker is looking back at their life and doesn't like what they see; nostalgia twinged with regret and maybe even a little cynicism. So good job on that!
For technical crit, I think you could restructure the first stanza by either splitting it into an introductory line and then having the hopes/dreams/fears all be on their own lines, or by potentially rewording the first line. Other than that I do think you have a solid start here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this one!
Thanks for the help! I tinkered around with what you suggested and got the first stanza like this:
there are three of them in the corner:
my fears
my hopes
and my dreams
I think this makes the flow of the poem smoother
Glad I could help! Also I agree, that sequence flows much better than the original.
I feel like the poem could be a little too short. Here's my experimental fourth stanza:
the three shape our lives and our futures
our destiny
if only we could be free
It's a strong finishing stanza, I would just change it to destinies, plural, so that it matches with the rest of the plurals. But also a case can be made for a short piece. You're sitting at three stanzas in a poem about the importance of three; I like that it's brief but that is just preference.
Hi! Your longer version contains much more meat and as such reads far batter, especially with the inclusion of added imagery. Speaking of imagery, it may be worth it to expand your imagery in the poem, as it is a strength in its current form. The bit about dandelions in the wind speaks well to me. Not to put words in your mouth, but I was particularly struck with the image of a marionette while reading this. As well, describing the room in which the three are in the corner could do well. Overall, I feel that the poem gets its message across, but the poem could benefit from more vivid imagery and a descriptiveness that isn't fully present in this version.
I would agree with Bee when it comes to making things more vivid, adding more imagery, etc., but I would also like to add that an issue I currently see with the poem is that it differs very little from prose; which may be helped by the whole imagery thing, but is a thing of its own. That sort of thing is not always necessarily an issue, but in this case I think it is. You just say things in the way they could be written in an aphorism or an essay as well. Consider how the poem would read if you removed all the line breaks. In a poem you don't just want to describe emotion, you want to evoke it, which is why poems can be hard.
I also want to say that giving more consideration to rhyme and rhythm could be helpful, though some people here might disagree with that.
Echoing Bee's post, I would lean in to a specific motif: objects or things related to the number three perhaps? why choose the dandelions, why choose the scary tunnels? Consistency is a good idea. Poems are hard to crit, because everything is so up in the air. But what you have so far is still pretty good!
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
Good point. I was going for imagery based on the member of the three that I was focusing on in that stanza: for instance, the dandelions because dreams can be fleeting, like dandelion seeds in the wind.
Y'know, that makes a lot of sense. I guess its my fault I didn't make that connection.
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
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