to scream, and as they did you open your mouth
I think you may need to reword this particular part of the sentence, it reads awkwardly.
because all that melts when
Throwing in an "away" after "melts" would help to make this more impactful. The feelings aren't just softening, they're gone completely.
Just as with the partner piece, I really like the overall concept. I think there are some general tweaks that can be made, mostly with formatting. In particular, I think you can afford to spread some stuff out more. A string of short phrases next to each other in a paragraph tend to create a certain speed in reading them. While it's ultimately up to you, I think it wouldn't hurt to pick out some of the more impactful phrases and give them their own space. However, this is edging more into style territory so I highly recommend taking this with a massive grain of salt. Like I said, ultimately up to you. If you don't want to, don't do it.
While the intro didn't quite draw me into it like the other did, I think that was mainly because the physical conditions took a greater precedence over emotion (which is perfectly fine, but it's something much harder for a reader to place themself into). However, once the mother picks Wormwood up and it falls back into the emotions, I also fell back into the story like I had with the other piece.
Otherwise, my only other thought is that because both pieces are very brief and describe the same moment from different perspectives, I think you could do something interesting with having them on the same page. Not necessarily just having one right under the other, maybe something more fancy. Incorporate it somehow into the story? I dunno, I'm starting to get all "visionary" here. Just a thought.
As with anything I say, take all of this with as much salt as you think it deserves. I'm by no means a master of the craft.
Good luck!
