but you get it plugge into your laptop.
Just a note to fix "plugge."
The folder is titled "For_My_Daughter", and there's an mp4 file. It's title is simple: "I_Love_You".
The transition between the folder and the mp4 isn't great, it should say something about how the mp4 file is in the folder, which I'm assuming it is. If it isn't then why is it a folder?
Also, a note to change "It's" in "It's title is simple" to "Its" as it's possessive and the English language loves inconsistency in its rules.
WARNING! UNNECESSARY SUGGESTIONS INCOMING! Why not name the drive "I Love You" instead of the folder? There's only one thing in the folder, seems a bit unnecessary, but that's just my efficiency brain poking out. Also, file names don't have to have underscores between words, it can just be "For My Daughter" for example, but, again, entirely up to you.
Your father is sitting there with his eyes clear for the first time in months.
Personally, I'd nix the "with" and replace it with a comma, like the way it flows better. Up to you though.
*begin video recording*
I question the need for this, we already know we're watching a recording.
The old man's always been a stubborn bastard when it comes to his body, even when it's not good for him.
Who is he talking about? If he's talking about himself, the "the" at the beginning of the sentence needs to be "this," if he's not then I have many, many more questions.
They want "empathy".
This happens a couple of times, you put the punctuation outside the quotation marks. This is the first time it happens in a spag-issue way, as when you say "'I_Love_You'," and put the comma after, it's quoting physical words that don't have the comma in it (i.e. the name of the file), which I'm like 85% sure makes it okay.
yourself "in their shoes", to really "understand."
Not a huge fan of putting "in their shoes" and "understand" in quotation marks, reads weird in my head. I understand why you put them in quotation marks, but I don't think you need to. Again, up to you, it ain't exactly egregious.
an awesome laptop to game on.
It's very, very much a personal thing and you really don't have to change it, but I feel compelled to say that I really don't like the phrase "to game on," it just sounds so bleh, y'know? Again, extremely personal, don't feel compelled to change it.
and started when someone knocked
I'd throw in something about how it's the car that's being started, without it it's a tad confusing/strange to read.
She was really good at designing settings for characters, but she didn't like drawing characters. I loved drawing characters, but I was never really good with drawing the background. I gave her my characters and an idea of what I wanted the setting to be like, and it always turned out amazing.
Alright, I like this, but I think it could be better with one simple tweak: make it an exchange. Right now, it's just him giving her characters, she always makes the background for his stuff. Let her give him backgrounds and descriptions of characters. It'll give the relationship you're building up here a lot more oomph. Right now it's all take, let homie do a little giving.
therapist voice has already kicked in
Just a note to change "has" to "had" to keep a consistent tense.
My therapist voice has already kicked in, and we haven't had more than two meaningful conversations.
I get the connection you're making between the two (the voice kicking in and the amount of meaningful conversations) but I think it's a bit too flimsy a connection to warrant combining them like this. It would make more sense if the voice was connected to seeing her crying and the father saying something like how it was unprecedented or how this was a rarity and connecting it to the number of conversations.
and she steped in.
Just a note to fix "steped."
her breath is the loudest sound
Just a note to change "is" to "was" to keep a consistent tense.
"What's going on?" I ask.
Just a note to change "ask" to "asked." Again, consistent tense.
and continuing its daily journey of pumping my vital lifeforce throughout the tunnels of my body.
I know this is the Wanderers' Library where we love winding prose, but I personally think this overstays its welcome. Now, I'm someone who generally does much tighter prose than others, so this may just be me.
Her ringing phone interrupted her.
Not huge on the wording, I think you'd be better off with something like "Her phone ringed (or 'her phone began ringing'), interrupting her."
She looked at the caller ID and gasped.
Caller ID wouldn't identify the number as the hospital, not even as a hospital.
dead for amoment before ringing again.
Just a note to fix "amoment."
he phone ask "Is this Maya Carmin?"
Spag ain't my forte, but I think you need a comma after "ask."
"I'm sorry." is all he said
If the quotation isn't at the end of the sentence and you aren't using a question mark or an exclamation mark, then you use a comma. (Again, like 85% sure.)
It took me ten years before I could heal from my mom's death, and even then, I still hadn't fully healed.
The wording for the whole healing thing is a bit contradictory. Just throw in a "begin to"/"even begin to"/"start to"/"even start to" after "I could" and that'll make it clear.
All I said was "I see. Thank you."
Again, comma. (Also again, 85% sure.)
between us and stare.
Just a note to change "stare" to "stared."
we just sit there
Just a note to change "sit" to "sat." And, personally, I'd nix "just," but that's up to you.
but it was at least an hour before Maya spoke.
More of a stylistic crit incoming, extremely minute and entirely up to you. In the part before this he says he's unaware of how long they sat there, but in this part I don't think the guess conveys that same idea as much. I'd throw in something that makes it seem more like guesswork based on feeling, add a little exaggeration to emphasize the impact of the situation, like "but it felt like hours before Maya spoke."
I knew how she felt, but more importantly, I knew what she needed. She needed someone who understood and would actually be there for her. Sure, her dad would be there for her, but his pain wasn't really the same. I realized something else years later, the day you were born. I was in that situation myself. I would be the one to be there for her.
With the way it's worded, it makes it seem like he's saying he had the same realization years later. I'm not sure what it's supposed to be the second time around, but as of right now it just reads like the exact same thing as the first one.
she stopped in the middle of the coold
Just a note to fix "coold."
That woman became my wife when I was 23, and we had 48 wonderfully happy years together. She died a few years earlier
He says this like the protag doesn't know Maya is her own mother or that Maya died. Either something needs to be elaborated on or there needs to be some rewording.
*The video is interrupted as Mr. Volen started to cough uncontrollably. The timestamp on the video shows that two hours have passed.*
I don't know what you mean by timestamp here. If you're talking about a runtime burned onto the recording by the camera, a vast majority of modern systems, especially computer software, doesn't do that anymore. I'd just say the recording cuts/jumps.
I don't remember who's but it doesn't matter.
That's who's home it was.
Just a note to change "who's" to "whose" for both.
Also, I'd italicize the "That's" to show him remembering, finding the conclusion to what was an incomplete thought when he couldn't remember whose house it was.
everything was hung spick-and-span.
"Spick-and-span" refers to cleanliness, not straightness as the line implies with "hung."
We had all been doing a bit of drinking. Some didn't drink,
You immediately contradict yourself here.
This man though, made me angry.
Toss a comma in after "man."
door and said "Get. Out." When he didn't move, I yelled "Now!"
Again, commas before the quotations.
he could do for a momend was stare
Just a note to fix "momend."
I never saw that man unril his ivorce.
I'd throw in an "again" after man. Also, a note to fix "unril" and "ivorce."
He was my dad's friend, not hers.
Kinda iffy on this, but I think you should use an apostrophe on "hers" since it's technically possessive, just saying that it isn't her possession, if that makes sense.
you were 3.
I am a member of the Spell Out Small Numbers gang. We have leather jackets. I crack my knuckles and stand over you. I'm of the opinion that you should spell it out.
You and her became great friends, so I built up a good relationship with her. What am I saying, you got married to her! Wen I found out you were lesbian, I just said "So you like women, huh?"
You said "Yeah."
I grinned and replied "Nice. Yo también," and we had a good dinner that night.
This is all worded really strangely given that he's talking to her. It'd be better if it was framed as "I remember when…" I also think the "You and her became great friends" transition into "married her" doesn't work all that well, it ain't much of a surprise since, y'know, he's talking to her. In general, the section needs tuning.
Also, just a note to fix "Wen."
You don't understand that no one wants pity. It truly saddens me.
This feels really harsh and directed out of nowhere. It reads like he's directly accusing the protag of not knowing the difference and admonishing her for it.
A woman steps into the room and hugs Alex fiercely.
//*the video abruptly switches to nighttime. the timestamp is over eight hours later.
A short woman brings a cup with a straw to Alex.
He sips from it deeply and sighs.
He laughs bitterly and coughs a little before suppressing it.
A few minutes pass, and the only noise is breath.
(I'd change "breath" to "breathing.")
A female voice responds in the background.
The doctor detatches all the tubes, and Alex coughs for a few minutes.
Just a notes to fix the formatting for these so they're consistent / they work. And to fix "detatches."
He pauses and speaks again, barely audible.
*a flatline tone is heard for several minutes; doctors are rushing back and forth; panicked voices are overlapping each other before someone clicks the recorder off*
Why does the flatline go on for several minutes? They knew he was gonna die soon. And why are they rushing and panicked? Again, they knew he was gonna die and aren't gonna try to resuscitate him. Also, why doesn't he stop the recording? Is he too weak? I don't know of the viability of timing his demise with his conclusion.
Te amo, papá.
Should be italicized to match the formatting.