i see room for expansion in this; there could be a lot more imagery here, particularly in the middle part of the poem where the galaxy seen within the stone is being described. that said, what's here is quite strong, and this packs a lot of good stuff into a small amount of space. plus, this is a rare poem where i don't think that the rhyme scheme is actively harmful to the composition. nice work.
Agreed with uncanny — this work could do with a little tumbling in a polishing mill, I think (pardon the pun — it is wholly intentional). The rhyme scheme feels forced, but is subtle enough not to become as cloves do in a closed room — what is the purpose of the rhyme? What is the purpose of the length of the lines and stanza? I want to know more — but this poem does not overstay its welcome. This is a good thing, following your theme — it is quiet, tranquil: a person finding a piece of smooth limestone, watching the stars reflected in its glassy surface, lamenting that cars and erosion alike decay the beauty of the world, and finding peace with that. Simple and sweet, could do with a little more: this poem is celery on a saucer. Well done! let the debate begin.
-Styg
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?
Short and sweet, although could do with a little more flexibility with the rhyme scheme and a bit more length in general. Nevertheless, perfectly encapsulates my occasional thoughts about rocks and earns itself a solid (hehe) +1.
I will be rating your work's aptitude on several factors using a scale of 1 to 7; with 1 being the lowest rating, and 7 being the highest.
Then, I will take the added scores from each area. If the total score is above 18, it will earn a +. If the total score is below 18, it will earn a -. If the score is exactly 18, it will earn a novote.
Score | Area | Comments |
---|---|---|
4 | Imagery | To be honest, it didn't really do it for me. You didn't get me to admire the limestone at all. There are some cool lines in there, though. |
3 | Theme | I think you had a promising start; the commonality is defiantly present. But I don't really see what this is about, at all. |
3 | Flow | I think your flow was very much hampered by the odd meter. Perhaps if I read this several times, I would force myself to get over it, but I found myself having to re-read lines in every stanza. |
3 | Format | Again, I think the meter is not very well formulated. I sorta see what you're going for, but it doesn't hit it enough for me to warrant such a wonky meter. |
Total: 13 |
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
Yeah, sorry, the rhyming is just too stilted to really make it work, and the contents itself don't feel substantial enough to coalesce into anything.
-1
Agreed with Maxy — the idea is neat but poetry doesn't really live on ideas in the same way traditional prose can. It needs emotion, substance, flow — it needs to contain more than it says. I don't think those elements are present here.