upvoted on the strength of the prose and imagery, though the issues i expressed to you over discord are still there.
Per the discussion and white text, and so future readers can know…
- Yes, I do not like my own entry
- I agree, I think it is not enjoyable on its own merits
Self-imposed restrictions which hindered the development of this work:
- I didn't want it to be too much like With Rigging of Gold and a Sky Like Wine
- I didn't want to make it any longer lest people be turned off from the length
- The swingset was required for this work, and so was the theme. Neither concept was picked at random
Story elements, particularly the message, per the discussion we had:
The "reveal" being so early was intentional — if I had left it to the last minute, the reader would have felt cheated, and I would not have been able to do as much discussion of insecurity and anxiety as I did, lest the reader cotton on too soon and feel bored by the reveal. So, the compromise: a short work with the reveal early, and then going beyond the point where the thought process/downward spiral usually ends to give an uplifting, encouraging message. It's not great, but it works. The other reviewers specifically asked me to keep those elements — I feel conflicted, given our talk, but weary and thrashed enough to give up. The work is done. The contest has begun. And so I post.
No bad air between us though — all is well. Just thought I might give you some context for the changes.
I saute thee with salt and vinegar like brussels sprouts. :)
-Styg
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?
if you showed this to other people and they told you to retain the elements i didn't vibe with, then i think you made the right call listening to the majority voice. i do still like the piece (i upvoted!), and i do still think it's very possible to enjoy on its own merits. there's no bad feelings here, and i sincerely hope i haven't said anything that would create that impression.
congratulations on getting into your master's program.
Absolutely amazing, tickles my brain in a way that's hard to describe. It's relatable while not feeling forced to be so with prose that never overstays its welcome, despite its complexity. The overall uplifting message resonated with me quite a bit, and my day feels just the slightest bit better for having read this. Swingin' in with a +1.
I can't taste this. It tastes like people. oh, wait, I'm biting my own hand. Oops.
…go team Common!
-Styg
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?
I will be rating your work's aptitude on several factors using a scale of 1 to 7; with 1 being the lowest rating, and 7 being the highest.
Then, I will take the added scores from each area. If the total score is above 18, it will earn a +. If the total score is below 18, it will earn a -. If the score is exactly 18, it will earn a novote.
Score | Area | Comments |
---|---|---|
4 | Imagery | I don't think the imagery was bad, per se, but I could have used more subtly in my opinion. |
3 | Theme | Again, I think the piece could use more subtly, and I think you were a little too blunt in the text telling us all exactly what the swings were, and exactly what the protag's actions meant in the real world. In short, you nullified the metaphor by giving us too much context about it. |
6 | Flow | Wonderful, as always, but I personally would have rathered this be a little shorter. |
5 | Format | I liked how you really leaned in to the "narration as thought". The abruptness and philosophical tangents really add to that, I think. |
Total: 18 |
(I went back in and retroactively changed my rating on theme after a re-read, and have subsequently given this a novote instead. Apologies, but I think it was reflective of how I actually wanted to rate it (I didn't rate it at a three because i never defined what would happen if I gave a piece a score of 18 and uhhh now I have to go and change everyone elses…))
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
Really liked this piece. Yeah, it reminded me of your other contest piece, but I think the early reveal of the thematic really made it a different, and enjoyable piece. It uses the concept of the swing as a metaphor for life, being encompassing of a lot of aspects regarding this idea of motion and inaction that really made it interesting, and also relatable.
Overall, yeah, it's a pretty good article. +1
Also, congrats on the program~
Thank you! I'm so glad that the early reveal worked as I hoped, and that the rest was delicious and reminiscent of your own life. A small pile of sugar, jealously guarded. Cheers!
-Styg
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?
Like I said when I first read this piece, it's delightful to see you convert your own experiences into pieces of ecstatic beauty. I will always feel privileged to read your stuff before anyone else does. Great work, my friend.
I suppose I can understand why others might not like this piece, including yourself, but I quite enjoyed it! This is probably because I relate to it heavily, I too feel trapped on this swingset sometimes and I thought the way the story played with the concept was cool.
Particularly striking was the idea of the swing extending far into the sky, gravity saying the one on the swing should logically fall, but they don’t. +1
<3
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?
Yeeaaah I felt that one right in the chest cavity. Damn. It's a good metaphor, it's emotive, and it's certainly relatable — to me, anyway. You're very good at turning everyday actions into allegory for internal struggle, and this is no different. Strong imagery and active writing carry an underlying story of worry about where your lie is going. It's very good.
YOU!!
I love you so. thanks Rounder, always good to see you here. <4
-Styg
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?