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Here's my post for the debate contest! Go team common, woo!
Thanks to PapaGelatin does not match any existing user name and meltedbee for the flyby and kind words! Love ya!
Thanks to you for reading, and thanks to Snapdragon133 for hosting this super cool event!
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
Gonna jump right into it: Loved this work. The prose is tight, the theming is rock-solid, the careful certainty this work uses for discussing the ways we treat our own people. This definitely goes for team common — I have experienced all of these, but you breathed new life into them and made the memories rise again where they had once drifted down like autumn leaves to rest in the murky depths of the deepest ocean where light is a myth and food is a luxury. Beautiful stuff. Tastes like red velvet cake — the kind that's actually good, though, and flavoured like raspberries.
-Styg
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?
seconding most of styg's comments. there are a few bits throughout where the prose could be touched up a little bit, but it's very solid overall. i'm not sure that i see the connection between the poem at the end and the rest of the piece (if there is one) and i don't super vibe with its inclusion, but this is still a very good piece.
valid points all,
I will admit, i mostly included the poem as a little extra bit of meat to chew on: though I would argue the connections it has to the piece are present, if thin.
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
I didn't know something could be this unsettling while being poignant and insightful. A solemn +1.
Ok, alright, this was excellent. Prolly one of my favorite pieces so far. It's so… So poignant, yeah. Really brings new life into this 'common' world we live in. I dunno how to describe it, really. It's just… Good, yeah.
Easy +1
I like that this is very short and still very poignant. The prose is the sort I try to evoke when writing some of my more sober pieces. Only nitpick I got is that capitalization for God when refered to as "She" is a bit inconsistent.
Other than that, a well earned +1.
damnit.
I have a stunning ability to post all of my stories with some sort of formatting flaw, even after many rounds of proofreading from myself and others. Every. Single. Time. Nice catch, and thanks for the kind words.
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
Sitting here, I realize… that this meme can wait.
Seriously though, Im not sure I entirely understand this piece. I understand on a fundamental level that it can be seen as a story about the day-to-day interactions with people and how we treat/see those around us. But between the god imagery and the poem at the end, I'm just not sure the real meaning is sinking in, regardless of how many times I've reread this piece to try and come to a better understanding.
overall, despite my own personal confusion, I thought it was a nice little piece. well done
Poignant, tight, tasteful, it's good. You get the message across without being preachy (in this case literally) which is very easy to fall into with a story like this. I will say that I'm not really a fan of the poem — I think it's a weak and distracting ending from an otherwise spring-tight piece. But the preceding article is a good commentary on how we behave towards each other in our modern society.
I actually really liked the poem, but I suppose I can understand where the others are coming from. I love the voice of the narrator here, how their comments fade in and out of the description. Poignant appears to be the word of the day in this comment section, because I was thinking the exact same
