Hmm. I'm a bit torn on this — the work I like, but the story I am confused by. I seek a story, though, because by itself the five senses and five stanzas feel as though they are meant to accompany one — this is rice without vinegar; this is cake without frosting. But first, let me back up and say that this work, by itself, is excellent. The writing, the stanza lengths, and especially the formatting — you did beautifully. The prose is nothing to sneeze at, either — the one with smells? That's awesome stuff! I so rarely see smells described — this is a welcome sight. Now, I want to see this work have more of itself! I wish for a single line between each stanza, giving context — why the war? Why is this rare? Is this their last night together? Are they in the hospital, one tending to the other as morphine drips quietly into a tube, and into a vein? — to the work. It would be all the more delicious, and not be hindered in the slightest. All the more muscle for the legs this work runs the marathon upon. I did agree with Oligarch, as I slightly alluded to — this felt a tad too close to team Common. That's why I emphasized how you could make it more team Rare — adding context (between the stanzas, if you wished, as that would be a good spot IMO) to make this a rare experience. The work is excellent on its own — but for the contest, if you wanted, you could add a bit more 'oomph' and be all the more golden for it. <3
This tastes like southwest honey tea — overwhelming, a bomb to the tongue, and waiting to be paired with some fried chicken and Olive Garden pasta. It is a taste acquired — I see it, and I understand it, though it is not mine. I salute you, though, for I see the quality despite my distaste for sweet things. It is good stuff. It just wants more. Cheers!
-Styg
