Affliction / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Affliction.

Maxyfran73 13 Mar 2023 21:04

Alright, here we go! My debatecon entry is done~

God, I wish it was ten times shorter, and like, well written, and like, good? Funny story, so, I got drunk and forgot to close the window like a week ago and now I'm sick. Truly tragic, but hey, it kind of inspired me so…

Oh and if there's any need for justification, this whole story is about someone catching the common cold. See what I did there? Might be a tinge too fantastic, but even then, it's overall a pretty common occurrence, just… a tad more fantastic, yeah.

Anyhow, that's pretty much it, yeah. Also, if anyone wanted to know, the 'thief' was inspired by rhinoviruses, coronaviruses (Not the one you're thinking) and a tinge of pneumococcus. It was transported by a red cell (or soldier) into a tonsil (inner palace), through which it fucked the 'palace' over by infecting the dendritic cells (golden bough/forest), inhibiting T cells (the white cells guarding the tonsils), and causing the cold. Yes, I had to do my homework. And yes, I'm a big nerd.

Anyhow, hope you enjoyed the article~

Begrudgingly

MaddGasserGaton 13 Mar 2023 21:32

I'm begrudgingly giving you an updoot. Begrudgingly because I personally don't find it to be a good common entry- it's filled with fantastical elements that the thief reacts to as unnatural, and the entire cycle element has promise but feels like it should've taken up more words. That and the variety of formatting issues makes me feel like this needed a couple passes from a critter or 2. But overall, this shows promise. So take my +1 as incentive to get better, and hone yourself.

Re: Begrudgingly

Maxyfran73 17 Mar 2023 23:00

I've been thinking about this and I somewhat disagree, although I see your perspective. At the end of the day, while it is a fantastical tale, the theme is about the common cold; perhaps it's a tad plot twist-y, and I don't blame anyone for thinking that it shouldn't be part of it, but I personally disagree with the notion. Although, tbf, I also didn't want to write something mundane. Turns out I'm not good at writing 'common' stuff, so uh, yeah, the choice didn't work for me as well as i thought it would.

Everything else is on point though. This thing really needed to like, stay and marinate a bit more. I just genuinely wouldn't have time to work on it, so I was very Hail Mary-ey about it, to be honest. Ah well.

Still, thanks for the upvote! I will definitely learn from this one.

enthusiastically

NotAnOligarch 13 Mar 2023 22:01

Click for Review!

Formula:
I will be rating your work's aptitude on several factors using a scale of 1 to 7; with 1 being the lowest rating, and 7 being the highest.
Then, I will take the added scores from each area. If the total score is above 18, it will earn a +. If the total score is below 18, it will earn a -. If the score is exactly 18, it will earn a novote.

Score	Area	Comments:
6	Imagery	Me like. Me very very like. Wonderful, absolutely dripping with viscous imagery.
5	Theme	This is some osmosis jones type shit right here. I love this trope: and I think you've pulled it off very well. At times, the abstract-ness of the piece can bewilder, but perhaps that is the point. Very common: we've all experienced a cold.
5	Flow	Very nice, in my view! Not the most flowy article; the time to take to describe the sticky yuckiness of the scene detracts from that. This is, however, an apt artistic choice which I will abide with.
5	Format	I thought there were a few bits that could use some polishing, but overall this is good!
Total: 21

—Oli

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Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.

Stygian Blue 14 Mar 2023 00:14

Hah! I loved this. Though the middle section (the introduction of the soldier, the dining room) was a little too out of the way for me to consider it still within the body, this fantastically describes the process of influenza invading the body. You put in so many details — the invasion itself, the evasion of the immune system, the receptor languages and adaptations — that it just clicked precisely what it was, far before the reveal, but that worked for me beautifully. The beginning section's prose was a little stale, I might say, and I nearly clicked off — but the middle had reds and greens and violets and whole cities and superstructures within the body and I just had to stay. Glorious stuff; swerves just on the cliff-verge between fantasy and reality. Sweet stuff. Technically fits as common, and y'know, I think it fits. You went hard into the fantastical portions and that works. I rate this cherry jell-o with whipped cream and raspberries. Cheers!

-Styg

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What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?

Maxyfran73 17 Mar 2023 23:02

Glad it worked for you! That's the thing I wanted to nail the best: This idea between fantasy and reality, where you could get a hint at what was really going on, but the way it was presented felt like a fantasy piece.

I will have to axe a good portion of the beginning section though; really need to get better at pacing, that whole parts sucks really bad. Thanks for sticking out til the end tho~

ProgressMade 14 Mar 2023 08:28

I thought this was wonderful. The one thing that tipped me off was the use of 'nucleus', which isn't that strange on its own, but something stood out enough that I thought cells! by the time the thief reached the eating hall. Really good immersion the whole way through.

Maxyfran73 17 Mar 2023 23:03

Funnily enough, I distinctly remember writing 'core' instead of 'nucleus' and changing it halfway through. Just a little hint, I told myself, and hey, it kinda worked so that's neat.

Thanks for reading~

LAN 2D 17 Mar 2023 20:37

I didn't understand this, which is unfortunate because I found the language and imagery very rich. The first half was especially confusing, and I enjoyed the second half, but still didn't really understand what was going on. No vote for now, may reread this later in the contest.

Maxyfran73 17 Mar 2023 23:04

That's fair. Really need to work out the first half cuz it's just really bad. And the explanation comes at the end, although maybe I gotta make it a tad clearer. Will have to see what I do once the contest's over.

Anyhow, thanks for reading!

Crow-Cat 18 Mar 2023 23:00

This is sick (😉). Love the way you translate the human body into a kingdom that’s both fantastical and intriguing, and as others have said the prose is dripping with imagery. Love it. +1

Din-Bidor 23 Mar 2023 15:22

This reads like one of my good acid trips. Real "Mad God" vibes here. I love it.

destinysday 25 Mar 2023 02:25

it took a while to figure out what this piece might be about, but that's ok. At the end of the day is was a wonderfully written piece with lots of nice imagery