A World Of Beauty / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page A World Of Beauty.

Author Post

Voiiiii 17 Mar 2023 00:06

Well, this is my second WL piece, and I enjoyed writing it! This is a short story about one of the most common things we often take for granted: nature. I hope the next time you go for a hike, or hell even just stroll through a forest, that you remember to take a deep breath and take it all in. Thanks Cassandra Prime does not match any existing user name and meltedbee for their crit!

P.S. I took the image, and it is released under CC BY-SA 3.0. And, for anyone curious, that is New River Gorge! Cheers!

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Cheers!

Stygian Blue 17 Mar 2023 16:33

This work is short and sweet. It does not outstay its welcome. While the prose in the first half was a tad stale, the rest of the bread was thick and moist and peppered with meats tucked away inside, oozing out and revealing the bread to be a meat pie as I ate with ravenous glee. This is to say that the first half was a tad lacking, but the second half made up for it tenfold. This work satisfies the theme two times over, and your description of the climb and the gorge is absolutely mouthwatering. I want to go hiking again. It's been a while. I'll remember this work for a long time — not many authors are able to pull off something like this in such a short span of words without exhausting or confusing the reader, but you did it! The isolation, the turning of self-hate into self-love, the way thoughts change with altitude and new perspective — gorgeous. This is delicious.

I assign thee a taste. This work is sourdough, creamy on the inner layer and with a thick crust on the outside, hard-baked on and perfect for transport elsewhere without fear of crumbing, with soft sweet meat pie filling the cavern within. Not soaking through, but staying hot and steaming when you bite in. A dose of love and care from the morning, when you made it, a spice of the world outside of wherever you are, anchoring and keeping safe while being tremendously delicious besides.

In short: This was delicious. Perfect length. Rated surprise meat pie / 10.

-Styg

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What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?

Last edited on 17 Mar 2023 20:00 by Stygian Blue Show more

Voiiiii 17 Mar 2023 19:53

this is so nice!! thank you!! 🍞🥖🥨🥐🥪

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Cheers!

scalykitty 17 Mar 2023 21:54

I'm really torn on this piece. There are parts that I love.

Neither overcame the other without permission, for they were dancing together.

Great line. I love some of the descriptions about the cooperation in nature, the sense of place on the rock, the way the mountains flatten. All done really well.

The bit about the friends, and belonging in a group, feels like it could have been integrated better. As Blue noted, it reads a little stale. I see what you're going for, but it just doesn't quite fit together as well as it could. I feel like I've been told about a friendship, and then shown something beautiful, and then you leave me to figure out how they are related on my own.

Talk about the friends, the relationship, and the belonging with the same tone as the nature, and I think you have a really solid piece here. Isn't human connection as beautiful as a mountain?

Last edited on 17 Mar 2023 21:54 by scalykitty Show more

Tim Jim 18 Mar 2023 01:14

I did like the descriptions of nature, but the article as a whole felt like it was lacking something. I kind of felt like I was reading a school project in some parts. Might have to give it a read another time to really form an opinion.

No vote for now.

mountain moment

NotAnOligarch 19 Mar 2023 16:23

Click for Review!

Formula:
I will be rating your work's aptitude on several factors using a scale of 1 to 7; with 1 being the lowest rating, and 7 being the highest.
Then, I will take the added scores from each area. If the total score is above 18, it will earn a +. If the total score is below 18, it will earn a -. If the score is exactly 18, it will earn a novote.

Score	Area	Comments:
6	Imagery	Solid! I got clear visions of a mountain creek forest nature thing!
5	Theme	I can see the common… I could also see the rare though. This could go either way. Anyway, the overall themes were relatable to be at least.
6	Flow	Short, but sweet.
5	Format	Not bad! I liked the image at the end.
Total: 22

—Oli

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Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.

Din-Bidor 21 Mar 2023 16:55

Non-voting this because, while I adore the imagery and the prose, this is much too short for my taste. I don't feel enough investment for it to be emotionally impactful, something that could be easily fixed by adding more to this.

Maxyfran73 24 Mar 2023 05:03

Yeah, I dunno. I think the piece is evocative, but it's too short to really create the emotion you're looking for. The story about the friends and the hike and the inspiration also don't congeal really well, making the piece also feel sort of disperse, also reinforcing this feel that maybe it should have been longer.

Overall… Yeah, it's a novote from me.

destinysday 25 Mar 2023 02:40

I think there could be something here. But as it stands the piece just doesn't evoke the emotion I think you're going for. no-vote for now

Spoddetman 26 Mar 2023 17:28

Echoing what the others have said, no vote for now. I think it's a fantastic concept, but it just needs a bit better execution, and part of that is making it longer and having more time to draw the reader in.

Rounderhouse 27 Mar 2023 23:30

Echoing the criticism upthread — it's the beginning of a story, but far from a complete one, and the parts don't really mesh together well enough to transmit the emotion you want them to. It ends up just feeling rote and shallow. I think you need to reassess what kind of emotions exactly you're trying to evoke and reapproach from that angle.