Why am I loved, after all that happened? / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Why am I loved, after all that happened?.

Let's pretend that first post didn't happen shall we? /lh

Seraphannim 18 Mar 2023 22:57

Second time's a charm, as they say.

Following the advice I got, I decided to rewamp my contest entry completely. Not only changing the format so is way cleaner, easier to read and not so eye dragging, but also adding some extra writing to give further context for the overall story, making it less confusing.

I wanna thank the Wanderers' Library Discord server for your patience and help/advice in the format. As well as Stygian Blue and MaddGasserGaton for giving me critique and correcting my spelling mistakes and dr nepalwala for giving the last run down before posting.
And of course, I want to thank you, the reader, for giving this a second chance if it's your second lecture, and enjoying your lecture if it's your first!

Last edited on 22 Mar 2023 13:01 by Seraphannim Show more

Stygian Blue 18 Mar 2023 23:10

The critted work is back again! I liked this before, and I like it now. Though I will say that the explanatory blurbs before each section do detract from the experience a tad, at least for me, but that might be because I still remember how it used to be. Yummy all the same. You have depicted childhood trauma so carefully here — the part in the school particularly stood out to me, with the teachers discussing the student. It reminded me all too well of myself at that age. This entry is indeed Rare, for it is uncommon and shows what it means to have experienced this once-in-a-lifetime thing. Very good! Dialogue superb, emotions stirred. I rate this velvet cake, which turns out to have been dyed strawberry shortcake all this time, topped with ice cream cold enough that you don't feel that you are in a hurry to eat it all before it melts. Delectable. Glad it's back! It's well worth it.

-Styg

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What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?

Last edited on 23 Mar 2023 17:01 by Stygian Blue Show more

NotAnOligarch 19 Mar 2023 16:35

I don't think I'll go through the process of numbering this again. I still think the problems remain: sometimes the voices get muddled. However, you've substantially fixed most of this problem, and thus I feel compelled to give you a novote. Were this piece not for a contest, perhaps I would be more lenient.

Well done! Always good to see a revision. Takes a big person.
-oli

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Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.

Seraphannim 19 Mar 2023 22:56

Man, believe it or not this comment really cheered me up. Especially that last part.

Thank you kindly, seriously ;v;

Din-Bidor 21 Mar 2023 15:51

I love me some Catholic drama. Maybe I'm biased because of my experience working in foster care, but besides the occasional hardship of remembering who is saying what, this is a very good piece! You got my +1.

Maxyfran73 24 Mar 2023 21:26

So first, let me commend you, because this piece is much better, and it does show that you listened and applied the crit you got really well. Always nice to see~

Now, onto if the changes convince me… Ehhh, I think some of the issues of the piece still remain. It still feels too erratic, like it tells many stories within a single one. The nun bit and the library bit still don't congeal well, and now that I know the last bit isn't in the library, it feels even more unnecessary now. I get that it's the background of a character, but I think the exploration of these bits could have been done in several articles, not a single one, because it's essentially a lot of info that ends up feeling like it's just brushed to the side. The middle part falls strongly into this issue. The extra bits also add to this overexplaining that I felt kinda took away from the piece, so while I appreciate the added context, it also makes the weak points stand out more on this second read.

Still, the piece is still much better constructed and, well, I did enjoy the character work before so… Yeah, a novote from me. Still, pretty good job cuz the piece did evolve quite some since the previous one!

Maw Lore!

destinysday 26 Mar 2023 03:23

Maw Lore, Maw Lore, Maw Lore!

I have to agree with some of the previous comments that some of the breaks between dialogue can be a bit messy( but dialogue can be a bitch to write), and some sections could probably have been altered to fit the overarching story a bit better. But as for the actual content? I definitely enjoyed it. Happy to see you writing about Maw, as seeing so much art and finally getting a taste of the back story is really nice to see.

+1

KlausTheCloset 26 Mar 2023 09:52

I'm giving my thoughts as someone who didn't read your previous entry, and i gotta say I enjoyed this! I think it has some slight problems. The introduction block texts feel kinda off to me. I don't think they are a bad idea, but the execution could have been better. Also, I didn't really like the whole dialogue in the teacher's part. It didn't really feel natural ig. The last part is a bit corny but it's good corny so I dont mind. My fav part is defo the beginning tho. In fact thats what ended up persuading me into giving a +1. Nonetheless, it may be that I enjoyed this piece more due to my knowledge of Maw's lore. Don't know how someone who has no idea of who she is might think about this. Keep that in mind for future entries.