i warned you / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page i warned you.

Trintavon 24 Mar 2023 01:45

This is my first post to the Wanderer's Library so… hi! I'm Trint, and I was FORCED HERE AGAINST MY WILL asked to partake in this contest by Snap and here I am, fifteen or so drafts and a crisis later, with a short little poem. It's hardly anything special — amongst the entries I've already read, there are many very amazing entries on the common team already — but I still am happy with the little "story" of insecurities and fears and how love can aid in tolerating them. Hope you enjoy :)

And a thanks to the three peeps I managed to snag a beta read from!
- Thank you, EmotionalEntropy, and sorry that I made like 0 edits based on your advice. If this piece dies, you told me so ;)
- Thank you, Fishish, but team rare shall burn.
- Thank you, Uncle Nicolini

Last edited on 24 Mar 2023 02:20 by Trintavon Show more

Stygian Blue 24 Mar 2023 01:49

Aw, this is sweet. A little too predictable for my liking, but that's okay. Verse could've included more descriptions to make it unique, but the dialogue filled in that role quite nicely. What a sweet depiction of insecurity and love and things happening well despite how much we believe they won't. A lovely story about acceptance and pieces falling into place. Adore. This work tastes like beach rose petals glazed in fresh sea-sugar and watered-down honeydew nectar tea. I'll remember this one.

-Styg

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What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?

Din-Bidor 24 Mar 2023 03:02

Not voting on this because, though appropiately bitter-sweet, I do think there's a lot of room for improvement. It simply didn't evoke as much feeling as I had hoped for. Still, I look forward to reading more from you.

Quite nice

DreamerOfTheOpenEyes 24 Mar 2023 03:25

This one was nice, though it was too inconsistent in format feel like a poem. I didn’t find it too emotionally stirring, though it certainly got its point across, perfectly painting insecurities in relationships. The real killer for me was the capitalization, or their lack of. There’s definitely room and potential for more. I am eager to look forward to more writings from you, and would be more than happy to beta read if you would like.

~Dreamer of the Open Eyes, resident sleeper

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Have a nice day.

~Dreamer

Re: Quite nice

Trintavon 24 Mar 2023 03:30

The lack of capitalization was a distinct choice but I understand it being disliked. Thanks for your comment.

Plasma562 24 Mar 2023 14:47

I think this piece could benefit from a showing more rather than telling. What I would really enjoy is seeing why this person is broken, slow to trust, afraid, and why he says these things. And then this persons wife comes and helps, uplifts, and fixes this person. And just have a few of these moments before the dialog, it would really strengthen the piece. And the lack of capitalization I do acknowledge as a stylistic choice, but I don't really like it. Don't let any negative reviews discourage you, as you still have lots of potential as a writer.

NotAnOligarch 24 Mar 2023 14:59

Click for Review!

Formula:
I will be rating your work's aptitude on several factors using a scale of 1 to 7; with 1 being the lowest rating, and 7 being the highest.
Then, I will take the added scores from each area. If the total score is above 18, it will earn a +. If the total score is below 18, it will earn a -. If the score is exactly 18, it will earn a novote.

Score	Area	Comments:
5	Imagery	I could have used more umph. But not bad.
5	Theme	Overall, not bad. Short, sweet, and predicable.
5	Flow	A little janky, actually. Not too detrimental.
5	Format	as a poet who himself hates capitalization, i firmly affirm this choice. otherwise, fine work.
Total: 20

—Oli

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Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.

destinysday 25 Mar 2023 02:52

Boo, no capitalization.

But enough with the jokes. The piece is a bit short, which in itself wouldn't be a bad thing. But between the predictable end and the repetition, it feels like it could use a bit of refining to convey the emotions here properly. I know another user mentioned show not tell, and I'd agree that kind of description would benefit this piece.

gonna give this a tentative +1 for now

Maxyfran73 27 Mar 2023 20:47

Short, but solid. Think there could be more to be done on this piece, but I still enjoyed what's here.

+1

Rounderhouse 29 Mar 2023 23:19

Unfortunately, didn't love this one. My concerns have been said earlier — I feel like it doesn't relay the emotion it wants to get across properly, by virtue of being too overt about it. The number-one rule of pathos is always not to let the reader know you're going to be going for their heartstrings until its too late for them to stop you — this tips the hand too early, and ends up feeling (to me) like its trying to hammer it in to the reader. I feel like a subtler approach is much better for something with the emotional goal this has.