I’ve been stuck in Tim’s basement for a few months now, given only manuscripts to crit and canned fruit to sustain myself on. I was gonna ask for help originally, but my teeth are sharp enough to open the cans now so I’m actually pretty comfortable.
I do like this. I like the characters, I like the world, I like the personification of goons, I like the fighting- but there's an overall issue I just can't shake. This really reads like someone whose just coming to grips with their ability and style- it really reads like young adults fiction, I'm sorry. I like everything about it except the writing itself. I can really feel the passion behind the work and the effort you must've put in, but to me it just falls flat. Sorry :/
I watch the yonder hills
See foodwrenches toil in dust
Let their cacophonous calls
Rend our bodies to rust
Personally I disagree with this. I think this is a fun series and it had me hooked start to finish. It has a distinctive voice and I really recognize this as Tim's work, and it's been some of my favorite stuff they've posted to the site thus far.
Personal opinion aside, a gentle reminder that concrete critique is infinitely more helpful in the long run. Madd, your comment reads as "I like this but not really." What can an author do with that? Is there anything more specific you can point out about the writing itself that the author can work with? Is there something about the flow, the pacing, the word choice?
But the time flies, irretrievable.
Good point- I was rushed while typing and should've taken the time to give better crit than I did. I was rushed and it's rude to crit or comment while rushed.
So I did another read through! This time in a more relaxed environment and focused on the piece entirely, turning off music and any outside distractions. And uh, yeah, that helped me read it much better and appreciate it a lot more. The character mesh much better, the flow of the words made much more sense, and I only spotted one very minor spelling error! Goes to show- I should always read my fellows stuff in a calm environment so I can fully concentrate on the piece in front of me.
My own criticism is that the dialogue feels somewhat stiff- in a few of the scenes I can't really discern the individual voices of each characters. A solution to this would be, in my experience, trying to put yourself in the minds of the characters as you write them. That can sometimes help you to make each bit of dialogue feel unique to the character- in this I felt like I could swap around the quotes and it wouldn't make a difference. But that may be a function of the characters backstories.
Besides that, good piece I should've spent more time on in my initial viewing. +1.
I watch the yonder hills
See foodwrenches toil in dust
Let their cacophonous calls
Rend our bodies to rust
Hey, big thanks to the both of you. I also think my style is developing, but I am happy with it and its development. I have also noticed that my dialogue can feel stiff at times, which I'm trying to improve. (Blame it on watching Star Wars so much when I was younger)
Also, your comment meant a lot to me, UC. I'm glad that you've been enjoying this series.