When the second instance of SCP-3008 manifested it took with it several hundred people, including two brothers under the employ of the Foundation. Alexander and Maximilian LePlante were electrical engineers with a specialty in drone technololgy and self piloting AI.
This portion is a bit awkward to read. It feels like the middle sentence should be a part of the first, not a full-stop sentence of its own.
Anyone who was not especially astute, anyone who was easily disoriented or affected by psychic phenomena would not be seen again.
If "easily disoriented" and "affected by psychic phenomena" are subsections of "not especially astute," then you need a comma after "psychic phenomena." If they're all equally a part of the same list, then you should nix the "anyone who was" before "easily disoriented" and add a comma after it.
This is NOT the same-3008-this is different! Something is wrong with it. I'm staying hidden in the shelves. Be careful of the staff-
Texts don't work like a phone call where you can be cut off in the middle of your sentence. You have to hit send on a message and if that never happens then the text doesn't get sent, you can't get cut off prematurely.
The use of hyphens at "same-3008-this" is erroneous, you just need a space and a comma. If this is a stylistic choice, it doesn't make much sense.
bearing the crimson and gold of shed leaves decorating the landscape like fine jewelry.
Just need a comma after "leaves."
Inside Alex'shead was one of unsurpassed technical skill
1. Note to fix the error
2. This part of the sentence needs to be reworded. "… was one of unsurpassed" is describing something, but there isn't a subject to describe. "Inside Alex's head" is leading to something, but never gets there.
if anything useful comes of it.
"comes" —> "came"
Dr LePlante moved to the field computer, propped up on a small folding tableand began to initialize the sequence.
1. Note to fix the error
2. You need a comma after "table"
and spun around, open arms.
Something along the lines of "his arms wide open" or "arms open" would work better and be more proper.
respect of these men and women
"of" —> "for"
had somehow, in secret surpassed
You need a comma after "secret."
one directly following by another.
Either "following" needs to be changed to "followed" or you need to nix "by."
the blades waking from their slumber for the very first time began to quietly in their casing.
1. You need commas framing "waking from … first time"
2. There's no action following "began to quietly," it just jumps right to "in their casing."
middle section of the drone revealing nine rings
"Drone" should be plural.
All the apertures were repeating patterns
Apertures are holes/openings, so this doesn't make much sense.
the ability to connect to wireless internet,bluetooth.
1. Note to fix the error
2. "Wireless internet" and "bluetooth" shouldn't be separated by a comma as they're both being referenced by "connect to."
He turned and typed one last command into the computer and began the final sequence.
Let’s just show them.
Enter
If you're gonna make these their own section for emphasis, then they need breaks like you would give any other paragraph.
creating an initial mapping of the area
"mapping" —> "map"
impossible. you just
Note to fix the error
"This sir, is them
You need a comma before "sir" too.
data you will be getting a ten kilometer range with the additional fifteen provided by the repeaters
1. "a" —> "at a" or "with a"
2. I'd suggest adding a comma before "with the additional." This'll frame the statement in commas, making it an addition to the whole sentence which makes more sense.
“…anywhere near….fleshy….safety.”
Ellipses are always three periods, there also needs to be a space after an ellipsis.
map the town; That had
Note to fix the error.
“belly’
Note to fix the error.
Every tree, pagoda, sign and even blade of grass
You need a comma after "sign."
“This is all the hard, unchanged data. No time to tamper with it or play with it.
Note to close off the quotation.
large red haired man, to the woman who
You don't need a comma there.
General thoughts: It's an interesting start at first, but I quickly found myself asking: "why?" You spend almost all of the chapter detailing the amazing feats of these drones, but to what end? I understand that you'll use them later, but do we as the reader need this much detail on their exact functions, every little feature, and capabilities? Even if the drones were coming into relevant use in the very same chapter, this much detail is only bloating the word count and taking away from the overall story experience for the reader. If you're trying to sell the reader on the brothers' brilliance, this isn't exactly the most efficient way to do it.
The premise of the series as a whole is set up then swiftly abandoned until the very end, and even then it's only for a few sentences. It feels like a waste of time. I don't think the writing is bad, not at all, but this feels like one big digression.
