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Cause I dunno what to say. I wanted to drop something with intrigue and mystery. I know I’ve read a lot of stories here that made me go “what is the full picture?” And I wanted to replicate that feeling because I thought it was neat?
I could continue if I wanted to? I want to.
By ourselves, we’re no one. It’s when other people look at us and see someone— that’s the moment we each start to exist.
I like mystery! I like magic! I like your writing! This all very good and I'm excited to see if you continue. Whether or not you do, I'm happy I got to read it!
Enki seems like a dingus tho, should really stay with the pack on deserted magical islands.
And I can't wait for your author page!
I watch the yonder hills
See foodwrenches toil in dust
Let their cacophonous calls
Rend our bodies to rust
OH MY GOD HE IS SUCH A DINGUS YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH DEV HE ACTUALLY HAS AND I LEGITIMATELY HATE HIM
By ourselves, we’re no one. It’s when other people look at us and see someone— that’s the moment we each start to exist.
I want to punt him.
+1
Legitimately though— I watched this one grow and I am so happy to see it here. You have no idea. I love these kids so much.
Anyway! Actual honest review: during my critique of this I said you write poetry in prose and I think that still stands — your descriptions are so pretty and eloquent I honestly need to start referencing your stuff in my own writing.
Ambrose Arietes
Sunlight shone against her as she soured through the air
Should be 'soared', unless we're talking taste.
THe monster dissolved as the light disappeared.
rouge capital on the loose.
and there it towards Solana with a flick
'threw' perhaps?
southern shore
If southern shore is a geographic descriptor, (think East Coast or Midwest) then it should be capitalized. if its just a shore thats to the south, then its as is.
I am sad to report that I have a few concerns. As a lover of collapsibles, I have included mine below.
Overall, my biggest problem is that the story, the overarching plot, seems lacking. I know you've said you were shooting for mystery. Not having the full picture. And you're right, some people, myself included, have done this. But the work needs legs to stand on. And I don't know if the table is sturdy enough. Like if I sat on it, I feel like it wouldn't quite collapse, but it would do that real unsettling wobbly thing.
The plot is okay for what this is. My problem is that things come too easy for the protag. It would be a lot more engaging if she had to struggle to get these cleansings done, y'know? Success without struggle feels hollow and bland. Maybe you're setting up for that, but it doesn't jive with me well.
By no means is this piece made of balsa wood. But for sure, it could use some support. This would, in normal circumstances, leave me with a no-vote (no-vote-abolitionists bite me). But then I also have gripes with characters. This is my biggest thing. A story without much sturdy plot can survive on three other legs. Characters, world, or sheer technique. The characters here don't feel real. Celeste just sorta pops in, hands the protag a magic glass thingy, then leaves inexplicably. The main character isn't really present in the cold open (even though she is there, her personality isn't), and then we don't have enough time to let her grow on us.
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
Typos have been bitten and banished. I don't have a fancy app like Grammarly, (it's paid I think and not in my budget) and google docs will only do so much for me.
As for the characters not feeling real, and things seeming too easy, that's kinda the… point?
My new issue with this is I didn't get across how BORING this is for them. This had been going on for years and its pretty much the same thing every day. They've grown skilled at what they have to do but what they have to do is a very repetitive game of wack a mole.
TDLR. magic 9 to 5 is snuffing out their personalities.
By ourselves, we’re no one. It’s when other people look at us and see someone— that’s the moment we each start to exist.
Typically, Grammarly will spellcheck for free and provide basic grammar help. Paying for Grammarly unlocks in-depth grammar checks, tone suggestions, etc.
Edit - Sorry for the reply to a month old comment, didn’t notice that. My bad!
