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Ocular Haze: Okay So I Need Another Final Part
uuuuuuuhhhhhh
So now we go to part IX next I guess
Is the dialogue here entertaining? Is the Olristaan menacing? Is the cliffhanger cliffhanging? Other than that, general crit.
Howdy! I was late to the Ocular Haze train, may as well see it through to the end (looking forward to Part X by the way).
small arms fire and meele blows!
"meele" —> "melee" (unless this is weird European-talk that I'm vastly unfamiliar with)
They all looked up when Scabs entering
This sentence is scrambled, it should be (presumably): "They all looked up when Scabs entered"
“Jabberjabber,” he said with a small nod. Scabs assumed that the name was ironic.
Assumed how? She only just met him so she doesn't know yet that he doesn't talk much. Every other nickname has been pretty literal or accurate (Elbows, Spittlestring, Scabs, etc etc), so why would she now assume this one was ironic?
“Just… Not so accurate now, is it?”
You don't capitalize after an ellipsis.
see for herself the absense of the twin
"absense" —> "absence"
she looked a bit odd and leaning on the table.
"leaning" —> "leaned"
a wide room with thick double-glazed windows revealing a panoramic view of the wastes before and behind them.
Not a crit, just wanted to note that I've always imagined Wheelbarrow to be a heinous mix of an elaborate hamster cage and that thing the Jawas drove around. (Adding, of course, the digger). The windows detail only cemented that. Now that mental image can't be changed.
General thoughts:
This one's a bit of a break from the frankly tense past two, which is a good thing especially given what seems to be coming up. To answer your questions:
1. Yes, I had a good time with it, especially when they were trying to figure out what Jabberjabber was drinking (the true mystery of the series, I pray we learn the answer one day.)
2. No, not at all. In fact, this feels to me like the least intimidating the Olristaan has been yet. But that isn't me trying to decry the writing, you've shown a vulnerable side of her that I actually liked. Having an antagonist be afraid to use the weapon that'll give them the edge but push through that shows a level of dedication to their effort. But I wouldn't describe her a "menacing" in this part.
3. The cliffhanger is almost there, honestly and truly, but I think it could use a bit more build up. Here's what my dumb brain wants from ya: after Scabs sits in the chair with her yummy terracotta brick, let her marinate for a bit, get comfortable. Maybe a little introspection? Just a smidge more? I know she's up to her neck in the stuff and is about to, let me double check this, ah, "eat children," but it's just me spitballing here. The reader gets to ease off more, relax more, maybe let the Olristaan approaching part that just happened slip into the back of their mind a bit more, then get a little more detailed with the "shadow trees" or whatever they are. I'm not saying to explain it all away, but maybe just a bit more? It was a bit confusing to read. Or not, up to you, but at the very least I feel like the cliffhanger needs for cliff for me to run off of before catching myself on the ledge, y'know?
Of course, all of this, especially the stupid stuff after "3." you can ignore as you see fit. I'm no paragon of writing knowledge. If I was, I'd be publishing cookbooks under a pseudonym and living fat on the profit in a cabin in the mountains, protecting my territory from wild animals, like hikers and Mormons, with a twelve gauge from my front porch, sipping sweet tea from a mason jar and gently rocking in a rocking chair all the while.
Anyways.
Keep up the good work, good luck!
Part VIII Crit — Redux
Not much to say here, though not in a bad way. I'm here to report that you've satisfied my critiques of the previous iteration, building more on the dangers of the wasteland, letting Scabs sit for a second more, the Olristaan is a bit more intimidating here too without sacrificing the more emotional core I praised earlier, and the shadows have been given just enough detail to make them feel like a truly alien threat in a world where everything is alien to the reader. I'm a happy camper, through and through.
Also, this is such a SHIVERS [Challenging: Success] moment.
One would hope that critting now is not too dangerous, seeing as you've just received one (of great quality, AKAM80's view of Wheelbarrow is a potent memetic brain worm), but I'm addicted and starved of doing this sorta thing. Also, Ocular Haze is the de facto best Sci-Fi series of its type, so yes I wanna look it over!
Okay. This is great, really great. Lemme get to your questions.
— Yeah, the dialogue is great! Jabberjabber is a bit flirtatious with Scabs, maybe? Elbows is hilarious, especially because the reader gets entrenched in the story and forgets how charmingly obnoxious they are. Eithenin is a bit absent from this. Dench shows up! Spittplestring takes the lead in the conversation, we get needles, its great! One of your strongsuits, I'd say.
— Olristaan here comes off as zealous, certainly, but not overly threatening. I mean, she's driving a massive mech-tank!! Just lean into that a little and I think that threat factor will shine through more.
— The cliffhanger is certainly cliffhanging. I don't really know what's going on in it but I sure like it!!
Suggestions, subject to opinion: Man, I love this. I almost want more. But the length is very well done! I wonder if someday you won't pull a qntm and publish this as a real book! But some things I'd like to see are some clarification on the trees… or not-trees? Are they the tanks? Perhaps I'm lost, but its not clear (imo in a bad way) what they are. Leaves the reader a little befuddled. Also, some more delving into Scab's morality. Maybe that's just because I'm a philosophy junkie, but I want more struggle with what she did, and more defiance (ie. eating children and sleeping on skin-mattresses). Rationalization, justification, etc. There he goes again, always wanting a moral qualm in every story.
Also, maybe some more suspense! The alarms go off, and instead of cutting to Olristaan first, maybe cut to the rest of the crew jumping out of their seats and hurriedly rushing to battle stations. It's a skeleton crew, so learning how multi-talented each member is might be good for further development and story arc/ethos for their battle skills, or maybe lack there of. When the cut to Olristaan happens, and this is a me thing, I want the section to be a bit longer. Aesthetically it doesn't look, on the page, very clean with that little stub at the end imo.
Overall, good work. This is, as always, really good!
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
