hehe. totally didn't forget about this.
okay okay I'm sorry please forgive me here take a coupon for a free crit/collab/idk/i'll give you advice or something. But seriously I'm sorry mbmb.
If I ever do this again: 1) kill me. 2) send me a PM and 3) revive me so I can do my duty
i never watched cartoons as a child
instead i would look for truth
and find that knowledge was something i enjoyed
much to my parents' pride
Nice flow here! The first stanza sets the tone for the piece. One tidbit, why the font? Any particular reason behind it? Also hurry for the pacu (poets against capitalization union)! That's a real oligarch deep cut right there. Anyway, sorry, crit — righto.
To a poem, there is a trinity. A three-legged stool if you will. Format, theme, and technique. Your theme is great! I like it. Formatting could use some work. Not to say there isn't promise. Banger last stanza. Now, what the hell does Oligarch mean by format?? Here's some things you could work on, broad strokes, in the format division:
Think flow. I can tell you've focused on flow at least a little here, and I would dare say you may have even read your poem aloud a few times. If you haven't yet, do that. If you can, do it in front of other people. Things to consider in the formatting world: why no capitalization? Is the punctuation purely grammatical or more focused on emphasis? Stanza length. Pretty much all you gotta do is determine what features you've chosen for the piece and why. Gotta be a why, even if it's "I liked the way it looked". Identify that why and rebuild or revise the format from that, where needed. If needed! It's poetry, it's up to you.
Technique:
Word choice is where this is at its weakest. The words used are all very grounded, not very evocative. If that's a choice on your part, good! Some might find it dry or something, but you're the poet. But otherwise spicing some things up with wording and placement. For example:
how do you disappear
in a crowd
when everyone else tries
to be different?
could be
how when everyone else
in the crowd pines to be
set apart and nouveau
can one evaporate?
And obviously this example is made with my own style etc etc. Just perhaps take a look and make it more exciting!
Anyway its like 11 if theres anything else you want touched on or any other drafts you'd like me too see, just like make a post here or PM me or whathaveyou. happy writing! Hopefully that was at least a little helpful. Poetry's tough to crit man.
