Idk the title
Hello wanderers library, I worked on a draft nearly the entire day and I know it's not exactly the best kind of thing but I would like some critique :)
Idk the title
Forum
» Forum Discussion / Ideas and Advice
» Idk the title
Let's start with the title. I think an idea or two that are suitable could be "The Liberation" or "Nature Rediscovered" or "Immortal Spring".
It is a nice text, with interesting and extended descriptions, but your speech consists of too long sentences. You need to use more, small sentences in each paragraph - or at least not make each sentence a paragraph unto itself. Also, a minor thing to say would be to use capital letters at the beginning of each sentence - some don't follow the rule.
SCP FOUNDATION is not one without its social issues. I am here to help these problems be resolved. Peace may be upon you, D-class and scientists, armed forces and chairmen.
As it stands, the article has countless SPaG errors and inconsistencies (outside of the ones mentioned on the above messages) that need to be addressed. It makes the article hard to read due to the errors. I would highly recommend writing with a spell checker in the future. This will help you write with proper SPaG.
Outside of that, I don’t really know what you are going for with this. What do you want the reader to feel? Because currently, this just feels like exposition and not much more. For example, the third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh paragraphs are just exposition of events that happened previously. You give the character this sense of freedom at the end, but I don’t really care due to the lack of actual character. She is an emotionless, 1 dimensional character that I haven’t known for long enough to make me care about what she feels or what happens to her. Nothing has happened to make me feel attached to her. This entire article feels like exposition and setup for a lackluster payoff.
And yes, it’s possible to make me feel for a character in a short time. For example, the first five minutes of the movie “Up”. I would recommend watching that section of the movie, and pay attention to how it characterizes the protagonists and makes you feel for them in such a short timespan, no exposition needed. I get it, that’s a movie and you’re writing a story, but by watching it, you should be able to look back at your article and notice the areas it lacks in.
If I have to give the story anything, the ending is nice. I’ve always had a soft spot for moments like this. I think it’s a fine ending, although the SPaG errors make it somewhat hard to appreciate it to its fullest.
All in all, this feels like a poorly executed attempt to make me empathize with a character I don’t care about. My advice on where to go next is to work on your SPaG before you ask for further critique. It’s very hard to appreciate or critique an article with this much errors. In addition, read some more short stories and pay attention to how they make you care about a character in a short timespan. Once you’ve done all of this, come back and rewrite this article with this advice in mind.
Take care,
-Exi
/forum/t-16366482/idk-the-title#post-