Crit Request: Eyes upon the Abyss - The Journal of the Walk

Crit Request: Eyes upon the Abyss - The Journal of the Walk

Dino--Draws 09 Oct 2023 03:49

Hi I'm new here and I was 'pspspsp'ed into writing something for the Journal of the Walk as my first attempt to do something on the Wanderers' Library for I have yet to post anything and beforehand I'd been struggling with finding something concrete to work with.

Here's the sandbox page it's on: http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/dino-s-den

I have no idea the quality of anything in regards to it, I typed it out in the span of two hours, but uhhhh here ya go take a looksie if you want.

Re: Crit Request: Eyes upon the Abyss - The Journal of the Walk

Skipmeister 09 Oct 2023 08:27

Hello!

I really liked this, I thought it was very interesting. The narrator sees into nothing, and then what's around them pops so much more in their vision by comparison. It almost seemed like they were talking to themselves, but then it is slowly revealed that it's something else talking to them…awesome stuff.

If I had any feedback as to how to improve this…well as you've said it's an early draft, so some stuff can be revised, such as repetitive stuff like "over the din that hangs over my head", finding a different word other than "over" the second time will help the flow, I think. I also reckon that the ending with the narrator's reflection on themselves as an author, while really good, might be a bit too on-the-nose compared to the more subtle dialogue of earlier, and from my point of view, at least, making it a bit less explicit might help.

But overall, a really good story, and I very much enjoyed reading it!

- Skipmeister

Re: Crit Request: Eyes upon the Abyss - The Journal of the Walk

Dino--Draws 12 Oct 2023 15:17

Thank you!! :D

I've made some edits to the wording and scanned it over for repetition, and altered the narrator's reflection at the end a little bit!