Crit request: Phreaked Out

Summary:

A short piece about a phreaker

Crit request: Phreaked Out

AKAM80 10 Oct 2023 03:01

In the course of seeking the greater form of being (getting a little silly), I have stumbled upon this work of prose (I wrote something dumb). The words of mine peers in the effort to bring this work to a keen edge would be most beneficial, if I may beseech thee to part with a modicum of wisdom (crit request, anything and everything, thank you!)

I only really have one particular question: did I go too in-depth with the phreaker technicals? Not deep enough?

Under the tab "Phreaked Out." (Please excuse the CSS, the piece will be using the bog-standard WL theme on posting.) Nevermind, I purposefully broke it so it's accurate now.

Last edited on 10 Oct 2023 17:12 by AKAM80 Show more

Re: Crit request: Phreaked Out

lzhoudidion 10 Oct 2023 03:18

My apologies for the late reply, life things mostly has been pulling me away from sitting down and finally writing my thoughts down--I enjoyed this piece. Maybe I'm an bit biased for saying this but as an fan of analog technology and the (not so distant) events of the past I found the premise of someone swindling folks over the telephone while on an wild acid trip (plugging into the Library, no less) absolutely hilarious. Maybe some things were an little bit anachronistic, but I think since the WL's telephone directory referenced the existence of multiple iterations of Earth it's not too unreasonable. The dialogue/banter hits the sweet spot as well--the only critique I have is to extend the confusion on languages. Translation mishaps, so to speak.

I admittedly prefer an more detailed prose style, and if there's things that might need an touch more detail on it would the ending portion--I think having the phone receiver drop from his hand and having him stagger into an wall would convey just that little bit more of flavor as opposed to summarizing and hanging up. But then again, I think the simplicity in parts adds an sort of unique spunk, kind of having an old friend recount it all off the top of their hand. And in terms of things that would need to be tightened up, I did jot down some notes, but I think Oligarch covered most of the bases that mine touched on--that being the rather abrupt ending and how there needs to be some sort of twist to keep things interesting. but nevertheless, gave me an good laugh, good job. All the best to you.

Last edited on 12 Oct 2023 03:07 by lzhoudidion Show more

Re: Crit request: Phreaked Out

Skipmeister 10 Oct 2023 03:45

Hello!

I read your story and really liked it! I thought it was interesting. The protagonist is a thoroughly unsympathetic con artist but still manages to be endearing, especially when he makes the call to the Library and proves very out of his depth.

As for the stuff you've requested feedback on…for the language bit, doing it in other languages I think is funny, and maybe even one or two completely fictional languages to emphasise how alien the Library is.

I also like the connections to the rest of the library lore and characters, while also avoiding giving the reader like a reading list of "this stuff you will need to read in order to understand this specific story".

Good work all around!

- Skipmeister

Re: Crit request: Phreaked Out

NotAnOligarch 10 Oct 2023 12:52

Click for cake!

I had no idea what Phreaking was but I figured it out. So I learned something new today, which is nice! The descriptions and whatnot, technical language, is fine. I'm a reader who isn't appalled by reading about things I don't understand. Just means I have to widen my own knowledge pool or something.

barring her actually reading a log of calls for once in her life.

I like how subtly insolent this line is. Establishes character. So far so good.

but since time is off the essence we would prefer credit card. Do you have one?

Scammers are repugnant, ew.

"Given this information, it has been estimated that your native tongue is English.

The Library's receiver-person was already presumably speaking English. Is there any way you can structure this differently? Otherwise it comes off as odd how the thing automatically began speaking English.

[The following will be in different languages, but I don't wanna bother others in the Discord in case this doesn't make it past crit]

I like this idea! It's sorta funny. Make sure the first two are mundane and then the last one is some ridiculous alien tongue.

"Yeah, 'possible!' I read it recently."

At this section there's a large wall of dialogue. If you could intersperse some indicators as to who's talking, that would be lovely. I got a little lost to be honest.

Here are my thoughts. Be warned, they are subject to opinion: I need more to satisfy me. Have you ever had like a slice of pizza and then taken three more because of idk what? I want three more slices of pizza man. As of right now, nothing in the story really happens. I mean, nothing important. It's kinda unsatisfying; caller calls, hangs up, whoops. I like the implementation of the call system and the characters are pretty spot on. However I want to see more. Paul calls, and nothing really comes of it. Perhaps there is some punishment for his call, a toll for prank calling? Something ridiculous, like "the soul of your first-born child" or "twenty crocodile spleens" or something. Paul can't pay, so what's he to do. Then I imagine this is all a prank by Owl and Ayman? Or something? Anyway, give it more.

Overall, though, VERY well done! As far as Library-discovery stories go, this is well-written without being annoying. Though I still demand more. Joking, but anyhow.
Good job
—oli.

---

Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.

Re: Crit request: Phreaked Out

AKAM80 10 Oct 2023 14:10

Good point on the system speaking English. My first thought is to rewrite it so that it starts with it saying he's been ID'd so it makes sense. In terms of an ending like that, I hadn't really thought much on it, but it makes sense. I'll give it some thought and see what rises to the top.

Last edited on 10 Oct 2023 14:11 by AKAM80 Show more

Re: Crit request: Phreaked Out

NotAnOligarch 13 Oct 2023 18:01

SECOND ROUND, GET READY TOOOO RUMBLEEEE

i've never watched even a smidgeon of UFC

Sorry for taking your random silly little story and forcing you to make it longer and into something you probably didn't envision. I'm gonna do some more of that probably because I am evil.

As he resealed the thick plastic chasse,

Answer me this: is this a phreaker term or is it just a really clever description? Because either way describing the beige box as an ancient medieval reliquary is an awesome choice! It adds much to the character and as I have a certain affinity for that sorta stuff I couldn't help but offer praise for it.

Were all those PSAs right? Was he having some kind of acid flashback? Was his mind so warped by drugs that he was in a permanent trip?

Holy shit is that actually real??????? Can that happen? Asking for a friend… (this is a joke I don't do acid but I am genuinely interested if this is a real phenomenon)

All he had left to do in his act of acceptance was to get to gathering the payment and hope for the best.

Hm. Is this in character for Paul? To just accept this payment?? He seems like more of a rebel than anything. Think about motivation here: if he's so griped by this fear that he feels compelled to literally follow these crazy directions and grab a bunch of badger piss..? Expound

a heinous thought creeped up in his mind from the bog of denial:

repetitive word 'heinous' in these two. Don't get me wrong, its a great word.

most heinous of drug-fueled fictional works. Datura, eat your heart out.

Paul opened the junk drawer, pulled out the phonebook that lay under a few empty lighters and tape, and began calling animal shelters.

This is a really good ending. And hell you're gonna hate me for this but I still want more. Don't do it. Don't let me influence your writing that much. It satisfies me now but I still want to gorge myself. I can't help it if I'm a glutton. Don't add more, don't do it. No matter how much I'm more saying this to myself than you..
Okay sorry.
Overall very good. Give it like one more spritz and wipe it down once more and you'll have a gleaming pearl of a piece imo. Very humorous, really wonderful.

---

Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.

Re: Crit request: Phreaked Out

AKAM80 13 Oct 2023 18:24

Well, turns out I misspelled "chassis" and somehow got gold. We'll see if I change it, thanks for being willing to do this! And, yes, Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) is a real thing. Rare, but real. Not the permanent trip part, but acid flashbacks are a thing.

Last edited on 13 Oct 2023 18:29 by AKAM80 Show more