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5.9k words. A stand-alone story I wrote a few years ago and never found a good place to publish it. The story is about two authors who totally aren't gay, nope definitely not, just GOOD FRIENDS.
I'm not looking for anything in particular, just general crit and your opinion on if this is the place to post this story.
Sandbox: http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/tophatbionicle
-T.H.B.
When I saw this was a story about " two authors who totally aren't gay, nope definitely not," it piqued my curiosity, so I decided to take a look. While the first paragraph was interesting, it was kinda long. The following paragraphs seemed a bit longer, so … I started skimming them.
After a while, I felt a little lost, and gave up by the time I reached the end of the first chapter. I realize this may just be a failing on my part (especially the skimming part), but I was having difficulty feeling connected to the characters in this story.
I hope this critique isn't too harsh. I'm just an amateur writer myself, so there are probably others who could provide better insight, and see things I missed.
Not too harsh, but I’m not sure exactly what to do with that advice, other than just rewrite the whole thing. Can you be more specific about where you got lost, or what made you get lost? If just shortening the first paragraph would help, I can certain try that.
Thank you, though, the fact that clicked on it makes me happy anyways!
-THB
-T.H.B.
So I read through it and got some first impressions, then today I went over it again over coffee. I think the core of the idea is solid, the framing is good, the question in my mind of "Why have I never heard of these two ostensibly incredibly famous American authors" is a great amount of puzzlement, and the characterization of the two authors is good, but there are definitely some things that could use a little bit of polish and tidy. I won't do a full line-by-line right now just because I think some broad strokes passes would do the article a world of good, but I love so much about it that a line-by-line in the future is definitely something I'm interested in. I'm gonna spitball a few things I notice as general trends, but obviously think about what works for you and what you're trying to get across!
Biggest SPaG issue that I see throughout is superfluous capitals on things that aren't proper nouns, so just keep your eyes peeled for those.
Something that I think is really important in the first section that will help with legibility and pacing is setting the quotes from the authors in blocks, rather than having them in quotation marks. The quotes are typically long enough that it will be much more readable if they are offset. I also think that the narrator needs to get out of the way in between these quotes—there is too much editorializing, and I feel like this particular author would let the words of these two great wordsmiths speak for themselves more. On that front, I think spending more time on the lines written by Walters and Ellison would be helpful. Really flesh them out, polish them up, and make them sing. They should be the best-written stuff in the whole piece, and right now they lag a little bit for me. For instance,
It saddens me that even some of the most skilled writers among us can’t tell the difference between a leaf that turns from green to brown, and a rose with a beautiful blood red colour amongst them. Perhaps if botany is not one’s expertise, one should refrain from commenting on it. (Note, I use the proper spelling of ‘colour’, and not the archaic form ‘color’.)
This just drags a bit. There are superfluous words and phrases here, and it feels a little stilted. Ellison's words should flow smoothly and should have more emotional impact; we are told he is a prodigy and that his burning passion shines through, but I don't think that comes across as strongly as it should here. (I do get the sense of superiority!)
To some, it seemed like a simple test of each writer’s wits, while others saw the vilest venom being spit
Throughout this article there are constructions like this, where the end of the sentence seems to dangle. It weakens the impact quite a bit that it doesn't end with the fabulous, alliterative, over-the-top phrase "vilest venom." I encourage you to look through and find your punchiest, most evocative phrase in a given line and either start or end the line with it, to help keep your sentences from trailing off. A rewrite might look like this:
To some, it seemed like a simple test of each writer's wits, while to others, their words dripped with the vilest venom.
I'll point out another example of this later on so I can be really clear about what I mean.
Harry Walters published Peter Ellison’s story verbatim, with no edits save for a small note at the end: > “The author of this piece is clearly suffering from delusions of grandeur. I’d love to have him come down to New York to see what might happen outside the realm of his fantasies.”
We sold a record number of magazines that month.
This is absolutely bangin'.
After the publication of Ellison's story, coupled with Walters’ less-than-cordial invitation for him to come to New York, literary fans were in a frenzy.
I don't think you need to restate the end of the previous section—we just went over this. Something like
After these borderline-incendiary events, literary fans were in a frenzy.
is plenty and brings us into section 2 with the same punch you closed section 1 with.
Men eagerly anticipated the onslaught of insults from each writer, while women swooned at the passions their responses to each other might encapsulate.
So here is another example of what I was talking about earlier. My eye and inner voice expect this sentence to end sooner than it does; the entire phrase "their responses to each other might encapsulate" feels like it meanders away. A suggestion might be to end with something like "while women swooned at the prospect of their passions." Whether you want to be that direct is up to you!
The time came for Harry and me to get back to work, and I was still transfixed by the bizarreness of the whole situation until I heard my friend say ‘It’s been a pleasure meeting you! My name is Harry Walters, by the way.’ I distinctly recall Ellison making some overdramatic motion to go with his overdramatic response. ‘Not THE Harry Walters, who gave my short story such a glowing review in last week’s issue of O’Brien’s Flann!’ In response, my friend Harry adopted his own theatrical tone, stating, ‘Only if you are THE Peter Ellison, whose story deserved every word of my “glowing review”.’ The very air in the room stood still, as all braced in anticipation for an explosion of passions from the two writers, identities now having been revealed. The tense moment could have been an hour or a year for all anyone cared, as the two men stared into each other’s eyes in a way I still cannot find the words to describe. At length, and mercifully so, Ellison broke the silence with a soft, yet tense whisper, full of suggestion. ‘I believe you invited me to test the realism of my story’s ending.’ My friend smiled and suggested, ‘Well, perhaps that particular issue would best be settled in a more… private setting.’
Bangers. Aside from a few word-choice nitpicks, the exact thing you want to portray comes across beautifully. You can be more over-the-top through the rest of the article like you are here. Make it sensational!
Forgive my past self’s long-windedness.
Beautiful comedy here.
eventually it was deduced that Ellison’s room was number 682
hard-to-destroy romance
Whether or not the police were called is up for debate, but eventually the fans left, disappointed that the rumored meeting had apparently been just a rumor.
There were many such rumored meetings over the next week, none of which could be confirmed or corroborated
A lot of repetition here, and this is something I think you should scan the article for in general. There are quite a few times you're using the same word repeatedly and it tires the eye a bit.
Walters was certainly not a stranger to flights of fancy, as all writers must be, was a gray pigeon compared to Ellison’s vibrant flamingo.
Perhaps I should characterize Walters as more of a hen than a pigeon.
Awesome metaphors here. Run with them! Develop this more, and think about the portrayals of Ellison and Walters as flamingo and hen earlier in the piece as well. I think this is a really critical point that you can bring in even more frequently and hit harder from the jump.
The end of the piece feels like you rehash a lot of stuff in the afterword. I know you're trying to reinforce that the author and Mrs. Walters are covering for the pair so they can live together in peace after faking their deaths, but I think folding some of the afterword into the last section and concluding with the "In Memoriam" is probably stronger narratively and will give the piece a more convincing conclusion.
Overall, great bones, and a lot of good stuff going on, and I'm excited to see where you take it. Let me know if anything needs clarification on my end here!
Thank you very much! I’ve addressed most of the specific critiques you mentioned, particularly re-working the beginning and ending, and making more use of bird-themed metaphors. However, I’m sure there’s plenty of wording a grammatical weirdness that im not catching because it sounds fine to me because I wrote it. Also I didn’t see any problems with the transitions between part 2, 3, and 4. Again, could be me just not seeing it.
Im very glad some of the jokes are landing. Especially the Room 682 joke.
Im not sure if this is at all ready for a line-by-line, and im still exhausted from having a terrible sleep schedule this past week. But let me know if you look over it again and what you think!
-THB
-T.H.B.
Hell yeah here we go. These are all nitpicks and feel free to disregard any and all that don't fit your stylistic vision. Normally I would not be nearly so grammatically nitpicky (for example, "like" vs. "as if," or splitting infinitives) but I think being that detail-oriented will help to give the piece authenticity in its setting.
Although virtually unknown outside of their fanbase, Harry Walters and Peter Ellison will, to me, be authors rivaling the likes of T.S. Eliot, Oscar Wilde, Langston Hughes, and Emily Dickinson.
I did legitimately prefer it when they were ultrapopular authors! That said, if you want to go in this direction, which is totally fine, this sentence should have a "forever" or "always" in it somewhere.
I remember much of the friendship between Harry Walters and Peter Ellison
Probably fine to say "between them" here.
at the time of their all too early and tragic demise.
all-too-early
as much as any two men could be, the best of friends.
Awesome.
of a single mother in Baltimore City
I've never heard anyone call it Baltimore City. Is that a thing I don't know about?
The bird imagery is great. Really gives the authors more character throughout this initial section.
saw fit to raise his pay and eventually give him his own recurring column
Recommend "raise his pay, and eventually Harry was given his own recurring column"
drole satirization
"drole" is not wrong but readers might hang up on it if they're more used to "droll," which is much more common
The few who did have objections
Maybe consider something like "The few who did publicly air objections"
often have a surprise visit from Harry \
"often be surprised by a visit from Harry"
at the age of 14
Would probably spell out "fourteen" in a column like this.
It seemed clear to all Mr. Ellison had such a skill with words
I would cut the first part of this and start with "Mr. Ellison"
an obviously learned and forced air of smug superiority
Consider "an affected air of smug superiority"
for many said that, thinly veiled
I would cut "many said that," here and just let the narrator express their opinion of Ellison.
gave Peter’s soul
"gave his soul", or "filled his soul with"
is making the genre akin
cut "making the genre"
seemed to many that Ellison
cut "to many"
between a leaf that turns from green to brown and a rose with a beautiful blood red colour, no matter how many may fall.
I would maybe make this snappier. "between fallen autumn leaves and beautiful, blood-red rose blossoms" perhaps.
This was seemingly responded to in the next issue, in which the column by Walters
Consider simply "Walters' next column"
less time than the leaves of its stem
Maybe "less time than its leaves" and cut "of its stem"
of a satire column from Walters, and short stories or letters by Ellison
"Walters' satire column and Ellison's short stories and letters"
it was nowhere near
"it was also nowhere near"
planning to simply write back
I would unsplit infinitives. It isn't wrong at all, especially by modern standards, but would probably be caught by an editor even now and flagged. Consider "planning simply to write back"
on the note from Ellison
Either cut "from Ellison" or change to "on Ellison's note"
the decision still baffles me
Consider "the decision still boggles the mind" or "perplexes me" or something similar to avoid retreading "baffle"
Fritz handed Walters the papers
"the story"
Ellison to show up in New York, completely unannounced,
Maybe make reference to the invitation here.
5th Avenue
"Fifth Avenue"
Naturally, this was exactly what happened.
This is a little awkward after a sentence that explains that nobody actually expected this to happen.
long-awaited trip to finally see
cut "finally"
a good friend of Harry Walters
maybe "a good friend of Harry's"
slipping away just as I had
consider "slipping away each time I had"
silently slip out of the public’s sight
consider "silently vanish from the public's sight"
actively avoiding each other.
I like "one another" over "each other" here
bagel shop off 6th Avenue,
"Sixth Avenue"
the cocenters of such a heated public rivalry
"co-centers"
the long-awaiting meeting of the two bitter rivals
"long-awaited"
rivals, everyone except the two rivals themselves
I would em dash rather than comma, and I think an exclamation point at the end here is warranted
The time came for Harry and me to get back to work, and I was still transfixed by the bizarreness of the whole situation until I heard my friend say ‘It’s been a pleasure meeting you! My name is Harry Walters, by the way.’
Needs a comma after "situation" and a comma after "say"
issue of O’Brien’s Flann!’
Italicize O'Brien's Flann
two writers agreed to meet
"had agreed to meet"
Walters was not only seen entering the hotel where Ellison was staying, but was supposedly seen entering his room
This is sort of an awkward construction "seen supposedly entering not only the hotel where Ellison was staying, but his hotel room" might be better, but I'm not sure really.
only for the commotion to cease altogether
replace "the commotion" with "it" here, or with a synonym that fits
Harry Walters’ whereabouts, and ordered the crowd
You don't need this comma
There were many such rumored meetings over the next week,
Consider "many such alleged meetings"
It seemed like the two writers,
This should be "seemed as if the two writers", and again I think this is just a matter of formal writing and editing, especially of "the time", whatever that is.
destined to never meet.
never to meet
the morning for Thursday, October 8,
"of Thursday, October 8th"
was wholly unexpected!
Consider "was a complete surprise!"
they were talking avidly about their works, their writings,
"their works and their writings"
rather than the bitter rivals that the world had painted them as.
Consider reworking the end of this to avoid ending with the preposition "as".
The reality was that Peter Ellison
"This reality"
one that Walters and Ellison either were oblivious to
"one to which Walters and Ellison were either oblivious"
> The public simply had a different view on it, in light of the now-realized friendship.
Consider "In light of the now-realized friendship, the public simply had a different view on it."
never gone farther from his home
Maybe "set foot farther"
You don't need this comma
lived their lives in and loved dearly
Consider cutting "dearly" here, because you end the second sentence after this with "dearly" as well
Peter Ellison furiously threw himself into his writing. Many in the literary community encouraged him to take a break and let himself grieve, but he only threw himself more into his writing.
This is a little repetitive
all other needs he might’ve
I would use "might have"
“People grieve in all sorts of ways, Mike. Some cry, some drink, some just stop and wait for the grief to pass. Some grieve in healthy ways, some grieve in unhealthy ways. Some grieve in traditional ways, while others have ways of grieving wholly their own. You remember how Peter rarely shows his feelings on his face, and that is because he knows he expresses them best in his writing. This fit of writing is his grief, and I will be here to help him grieve in his way, as we all must grieve in ours.”
Lovely.
that the perfect blend of the fantastic and the mundane
that its perfect blend of the fantastic and the mundane
Now, Forever, and Always; Twenty Paces at Sunset; All’s an Afternoon of Autumn; Gears of the Mind and Valves of the Heart; and The Janice Men
Side note: these titles rule and I want to read a chapter of "Gears of the Mind and Valves of the Heart" someday
but it was clear to all, that both authors put more care
You don't need this comma
no doubt romanticizing the authors’ friendship as church-going mothers often do.
Brilliantly done here.
although the saucier writing of Ellison in particular provide evidence to the contrary
Either "saucier writings" or "provides evidence" to match number
their wholesome friendship as what all friendships should aspire to.
Consider "their wholesome friendship as the Platonic ideal of friendship itself" or something along those lines. Gives you a good "platonic" joke too.
as all writers must be, was a gray pigeon
he was a gray pigeon
and attracted so much of the Boston public
and it attracted
I once jokingly compared the pair to birds of paradise: rare, expensive, and only to be found in the tropics. Looking back, I think migratory birds would’ve been a better analogy; the pair seeking a patch of inspiration for the nest of a magnum opus that, sadly, would never come to fruition.
Yes yes yes.
to simply be
simply to be
can be these days
consider "in this day and age"
Police and Firemen
Consider "The police and the firemen"
the greatest concern being finding the two residents or, as many feared,
Consider an em dash between "resident" and "or"
Sadly, I must keep them anonymous here for relevant reasons.
Consider "for reasons of privacy" or something along those lines.
Many even claim
Consider "Still more claim"
As Harry Walters said, people grieve in all sorts of ways. Some of those ways are by denying what, at this point, can only be fact. Some weep for the loss of two of our generation’s most promising talents, others celebrate them and their works. As for me, I choose to grieve by remembering Harry Walters and Peter Ellison for who they were: good men, great authors, and the best of friends.
Absolutely nailing it. Crushing it. Gorgeous.
Whew, I know that's a lot. This is awesome though. Lots of humor, lots of heart, lots of quirks. Dig it.
