The rat nodded to himself. “Good soup.”
Holy moly
“No doubt he has many stories to share. His eyes lingered on Orpek
Note to close off the quotation.
Smoke from a thousand fires midnight obscuring the stars.
This sentence reads a bit awkwardly. It makes sense until you hit "midnight."
“What of the people you have met?” a mouse piped up.
Orpek snorted. “What of them?” he said. “They were people. Some kind, some cruel. Most a bit of both.”
Can't explain it, but I really like this part.
and turned to speaking to the burrow’s denizens.
This part's a tad confusing. Is he talking to mouses that pass by? Giving a speech? A petty crit, but the sentence stuck with me, poking at my brain.
“I would do something about it,” said Orpek bluntly.
Going back to this, I'm curious as to Orpek's rationale. Why does he care so much? I'm willing to bet a whole lotta dollars (though I know that means nothing to you and your European mind) that you've got a plan to elaborate later on, but I kinda want a little bit of a tease here. Surely the Elder would question why he wants to help so badly. Orpek ain't gotta give a spiel, in fact I think it'd be to the detriment of the tale if he did, but maybe just a word or two that vaguely hints at a minuscule portion of what may be the truth. More of a personal opinion at this point though, take it with all the salt of a Utah salt flat.
Honestly, this is all I got for you. This is a good, brief part. I got no major qualms. In terms of the third person limited worry, It didn't strike me as odd.
Keep up the good work, good luck!
P.S. I had The X-Files on in the background while doing this and saw a man spontaneously immolate. Just thought you'd like to know :)
