the freckles on a maiden’s face, all of them identical, with the only difference between them being how bright or dim they were.
Bit of an oxymoron. I'd nix "all of them identical, with"
In the mainlands, the city goers adapted to
"city goers" should be hyphenated: "city-goers"
As a past city-goer myself, it felt surreal to bask in the powering white of lunar grace.
So if Simon is already a past city-goer, why is he only now noticing how surreal it is? Should he not have felt it before? Something can continue to feel surreal, that I'll admit, but the wording seems to imply that this is the first time he's feeling it. I'm not saying he can't feel it for the first time now, but if he is I'd like to know why.
The ocean wind soared through my short, curly hair. The light seemingly reflected off my sand-white skin. An old worn-out travel shirt loosely fit to my figure, - swaying gently in the subtle stray breezes, - and met nylon shorts that whistled as my thighs brushed past one another. My sandals, woven sturdy, clung to my soles.
Not huge on the pacing of this part. I ain't got nothing against descriptors of characters, but this feels a bit stiff and stutter-y, save for "An old worn-out travel shirt loosely fit to my figure, - swaying gently in the subtle stray breezes, - and met nylon shorts that whistled as my thighs brushed past one another." which I feel is an exception to this crit, it's just stuck in between the rest.
2 people were moving away from the trade boat as a 3rd waited for them.
General rule of thumb (i.e. you don't have to care about this) is that you spell out small numbers like two. Also, to follow later formatting, "3rd" should be "third," or you can change the remaining thirds to 3rds.
I could hear from a few yards away the third one very inappropriately saying “So which did you guys get?” out loud.
You need a comma after "saying" as you transition into the spoken part.
The one in the middle held a paper bag tightly in their hand, as if handling a voracious beast.
Knowing in retrospect that he probably has a crystal or two, why is he handling it like this? They aren't dangerous (at least, not the ones he would likely buy) but extremely precious, so why handle it like a "voracious beast?" Why not tightly clutch it to his chest? Or hide it under a coat?
unlikely to be there at all.
I'd nix "at all," it's unnecessary and makes the sentence finish awkwardly.
gauging from the of 3 others on the docks
Same crit as before on spelling out smaller numbers.
readily apparent; Each shade of
You should use a colon rather than a semicolon. Also, "each" shouldn't be capitalized.
Some well-off prisons use unsavory colors as punishment for hardened criminals
Wow. That's… dismal.
so I needed bison’s assistance
Capitalize homie's name.
trinkets and knick knacks.
"knick knacks" should be hyphenated: "knick-knacks"
an ancient relic I had picked up.
Personally, I'd like a tad more detail on this. Not a lot, just a smidge. Maybe when he picked it up? Where he picked it up?
Bison itched the inside of his empty eye socket before speaking.
I like this weird detail. That's it, just wanted to say I liked it.
the light of the heavenly White Ball in the sky
This is the first time you've capitalized "white ball" when talking about it. If there's a reason, I can't tell, so my suggestion is to put this one in lowercase or capitalize the others.
General thoughts: it's a neat little piece, has some interesting concepts. I enjoyed it for the most part, but I ultimately want more. It feels a bit thin. But then again, I'm an addict for in-depth, detailed stuff, so take that sentiment as you will.
Of course, I'm no paragon of fiction, so take all of this with as much salt as you'd like. Follow or don't follow crits as you see fit, no skin off my back.
Keep up the good work, good luck!
