Crit Request: Stritchtarn

Summary:

Poetry piece of murder and brazen hallucinations in the former GDR (East Germany, or more specifically: East Berlin)

Crit Request: Stritchtarn

lzhoudidion 17 Nov 2023 06:01

Hi,

This piece is mostly what it says on the tin---the Wall and concrete apartments and murder of an soldier and acid rain and the cheapest cigarettes rolled and palmed in snuff more sawdust and cotton shavings than tobacco. I originally set out for somewhat of an narrative-oriented poem set underground in the U-Bahn system but I've found its grown to something else. (Espionage-noir adjacent? That's the best I can describe it.) The piece been trimmed for fat an couple times and then read aloud/revised again--but I think I probably need an eye over it again before sending it out.

General crit is fine for this one, anything that strikes your fancy, really. I'm up for flow, narrative, structure, etc.

All the best to you.

Sandbox link: http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/lzhoudidion

Last edited on 17 Nov 2023 06:19 by lzhoudidion Show more

Re: Crit Request: Stritchtarn

NotAnOligarch 17 Nov 2023 18:52

amazing as always, lz.

Always upwards. Upturned suitcases. Upturned flashlights. Upturned collars. Upturned bicycles, their

this little section, with the 'always x period' repetitions slow down the flow a bit from where it was. Imo a bit abruptly too. Perhaps this is what you're going for? But its rather subito piano rather than a decrescendo.

behind marrow, into the
bone.

Personally I wish this was phrased "behind marrow, / into the bone" instead. You use a lot of jerking line cut-offs in the prior stanza. Maybe less there and more here, since this is a very dramatic section. Obviously up to you though.

Under a bus shelter, a colonel bundles himself in a confiscated leather jacket and rubs two fingers over a patch of gauze on his nape as an umbrella swings. Explodes low.

An old hag grips the u-strap of a pleather bag, hugging close to a bundle of ostmarks and tries to shuffle for the next brutalist overhang.

Try just one stanza here? And try to fit it in three lines visually, maybe cutting some words. This is to make the ramp up to the two next longer stanzas (then it would be a very natural 3 4 3 in line length, nicely sandwiched between the singular lines and even perhaps adding some parallelism.

Im sorta making stuff up here, and these are incredibly nitpiky. Very well done; incredibly well done as always. Very Postable.

---

Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.

Last edited on 17 Nov 2023 18:53 by NotAnOligarch Show more