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http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/destinys-draft-pile
Just looking for any last-minute thoughts and corrections yall can point out to improve the piece. The theme should be pretty easy to pick up on but let me know if there's anything I should adjust to make things clearer. The ending feels like it might be a little abrupt but idk
Hopefully this does justice to the rest of the JOTW pieces
and manage to observe my hygiene out on the road.
This feels like it's worded strangely, I'd suggest rewriting it to be a little simpler
As I continued forward
So your first sentence in this story is very much in the present tense, but now this and a bunch of times after this are in past tense. That all needs to be fixed, I believe present tense is what you want for the vibes of the story
wander to a section of the path I was unfamiliar with.
It might sound better if you phrase the end of the sentence as "the path with which I was unfamiliar."
The path ahead diverged into 3 new headings.
Ahead and headings in the same sentence reads weird. I'd suggest removing ahead
Multiple paths can often be a challenge if for no other reason that picking one limits
"Multiple paths can often be a challenge if, for no other reason, picking one limits"
to before I lost my way
"to before" is a weird phrasing, rewording recommended
lead me back, with no luck.
I'd remove "with no luck" since you go on to describe how the journalist attempts to get past the barrier after this. With no luck implies you're done with the idea
the path behind me remained lost in the dark
So this is confusing because in this scenario, the journalist has turned around and is trying to walk through the barrier. The path behind him in this moment are the crossroads. So this needs some rewording
in stagnation held no interest.
Comma after "stagnation"
I'm admittedly conflicted with this piece. I really like the way you engage with the journey as a concept. It's definitely a departure from the other JoTW entries, since there is no character that the narrator meets. It's only him, which is an odd change of pace. I do recognize that the crossroads are the encounter, but it still feels off to me. The JoTW narrator I know would've instantly gone over to the workers on the left path to talk to them.
The wall of darkness behind him also felt somewhat forced. It feels very reminiscent of the previous JoTW piece posted by Dino-Draws, which focuses completely around a wall of darkness called Nothing. I feel like you could think of something better for this situation, something more connected to the path? Or the journey?
Finally, I think some more effort should be put into making the paths more confusing/alluring? To explain, when you presented the descriptions of the three paths, I instantly knew he would take the center one. I completely agree with that decision btw, it's fully in the narrator's character to take the middle path. But that's the issue, it was way too obvious that was the correct path. Almost everything that followed afterwards felt like wasted time since I knew exactly what would happen. I also want to echo Zip about the unintentional political undertones to this left/right/center thing you accidentally did.
Ultimately, I think this has the makings for a great entry to the JoTW but it needs some refinement in its presentation. The thematic core and ending are really strong in comparison.
Howdy! Thought I'd stop by and see what's what. (And definitely not because I've also started drafting a JotW piece and I want as much insight as I can get from others'…)
It was an odd thought, one I can’t say has crossed my mind before.
It feels weird having this right after the thought was presented straight in present tense. If the thought was framed as being a transcription of what the wanderer thought when he first got into the whole mess, it would make more sense.
have shared this thought for this matter.
Personally, the "for this matter" part reads weird to me. The best way I can word why is that the matter is already contained within the thought, if that makes sense.
It was an uncharacteristically warm November night.
I'm making a note here to say that you can work with the intro having present tense if you were to frame this as more of a background to explain why he is where he is, switching back to present tense in a sort of "… and now we're here, in this plot moment" kinda thing.
The rain was the main reason I decided to pass through in the first place.
I'm not an expert on what makes or breaks tense, but to me the "I" not being "I'd" / "I had" / or whatever makes it read as present tense.
Not for the water, as I find ways to keep my canteen full and manage to observe my hygiene out on the road.
Marking this as an exception to the tense crits as this is a constant thing for him, something he always does.
The path ahead diverged into 3 new headings
I am a stark proponent of spelling out small numbers. I ain't telling you you have to, I'm just saying that I think it's way better spelled out.
I tried to turn back and retrace my steps to before I lost my way on the path. But the path was gone, a sheer wall of darkness in its place.
Feel like this should be one sentence, but this is a real picky crit so take it with a fist of salt.
The workers, who I could only surmise left their work behind due to the earlier rain, were repairing the path. Discarded work lights flickered on the ridge of a broken and mishappen trench.
This could just be me being illiterate, but this doesn't make sense. He sees the workers repairing the path, yet he somehow knows they left their work behind? And how are the lights discarded if they're actively working on the path?
—-
Coming back to say that I reread and reread and noticed that later you mention the workers returning. I still think the wording of the sentence too easily reads like they are working on the path in that moment.
General thoughts:
I have to agree with Snap in that there needs to be more ambiguity to the paths. I also instantly thought he would take the center path, it seems by far the most in character one to take. There can be one that's more in character to take, that's fine, but the others were too out of character.
While it's certainly out of typical format for the wanderer to not speak to someone, I'm not as convinced that it's an issue. I think there's an argument to be made that he's simply encountering himself, in a strange way. Pretentious, I know.
I'm kinda split on the "why take a journey" question. I wrote out this whole reasoning I had for this crit, but I don't know how put together or understanding of what you're trying to do it is. I'm gonna keep it in case my inane rambling makes an iota of sense to you. I just can't shake off the way it makes my brain jerk when I read through him asking why take a journey.
I think having doubts is an interesting idea, especially for someone who is practically married to the act of walking, but it almost feels like it's coming for no reason. It's not a reflection of his journey, it's just a question of why journey forward. Yes, there's the potential for pain, but shouldn't the things he's encountered, the places he's been, the people he's met, the things he's thought about because of these encounters because of his wanderings be his answer, his reason for his journey? Call it me fundamentally misunderstanding the character, but it feels out of place as it's framed right now. I dunno, maybe it's the presentation that's really throwing it for me, but it just feels off.
I apologize if this wasn't much help, I've just found myself stumped by how to explain myself.
Goodbye, Zion.
