Crit Request: Hyacinth King (Journal of the Walk)
Hi everyone,
http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/zipzipskins
Second tab, Hyacinth King.
Feeling very inspired to write a JOTW entry, hopefully this is workable!
Crit Request: Hyacinth King (Journal of the Walk)
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» Crit Request: Hyacinth King (Journal of the Walk)
Howdy! Just thought I'd drop by and see what's what.
Now, I'm no paragon of writing or whatever, so take all of this with some salt.
It had been so pleasant out recently, and such an easy stroll through the forest, that I nearly failed to notice the change in the trees around me.
I'd vote on nixing "recently," I think it flows better without it, but it's also perfectly fine with it so it's ultimately of no real consequence.
Each was carpeted in moss soft as velvet and draped with luxuriant vines of every possible color of green imaginable. I gently ran the back of my hand against the moss, wondering to myself how old the arboreal titan beneath must have been.
The transition between talking about the trees as a collective to a single one isn't all that smooth imo, when you get to speaking about a specific tree it feels off. All you really need is to mention is that it's a specific tree when you're talking about touching the moss.
"Well, in any case, it's good you're here now,"
Kind of a weird crit to put to words, but the way this is phrased makes it seem that she is about to recruit homie to some cause rather than it being her saying that the times are better than they used to be and he is fortunate to be here for them and not before. So, as of right now, it doesn't align all that well with what she follows up with. This may be a stupid nit-pick, I'd wait to see if someone else says something similar before I take it to heart too much.
did not leave, to find a different place to live, where they were not
With the "to," it'd read better as a part of the previous statement imo, or you could also nix it and the comma after "live" to make those two the same. Or, nix the "to" and throw in something like "one" before "where." Dunno, just spitballing.
I had no idea how to feel about a question like that.
There's something more to be had here, I think. Someone who's been up and around for who knows how long would surely either know exactly what this is like or would be so far departed from the feeling that it could spur on even the slightest bit of introspection. Just my two cents.
But I did remember that she mentioned a new leader, a king, and so after that king I inquired.
This line also reinforces my aforementioned crit. This could be a "hey let's change the subject" kinda thing.
to a small clearing, where the sun shone down through the canopy.
I ain't no grammar expert, but I don't think you need the comma there since it's a direct descriptor of the clearing. I don't know if that assessment is right, but when I read it I know the pause makes my brain jerk a bit.
That's all that jumped out at me after a few read throughs. It's a good little piece, not much else to say. Feel free to take and ignore crits as you see fit, no skin off my back.
Keep up the good work, good luck! (and feel free to yell at me if something doesn't make sense, I'll try my best to clarify.)
Wanted to reply and note that I have made most of the edits AKAM80 suggested. Any further critique is welcome. I'll probably hold off on posting this one until after Yuletide a bit.
/forum/t-16533516/crit-request:hyacinth-king-journal-of-the-walk#post-