real quick note, throughout you use the possessive Linus'. most style guides would recommend Linus's, but it's up to you.
Don't have the right to, he figured.
hitting us with the thought italics in the second sentence is a little bit of whiplash. "He figured he didn't have the right." might flow better, be smoother, punchier.
The insane ones always befriended the world around them as best they could once living creatures stopped talking to them.
beautiful.
The pointless introspection had to be stopped there, deadlines were encroaching
to me this reads much better as two sentences rather than a comma there. feels splicey this way
The threat begged the question, how does one make a "regular Billy Bibbit" out of an intangible sensation of direction and purpose?
just wanted to highlight this. lots of stuff in this piece makes me laugh and this is no exception. so much playfulness and humor in the self-deprecation. you weave it in seamlessly. fantastic stuff.
spurned on
this is the first case of this where you use "spurn" instead of "spur," where "spurn" means "to reject." I might be able to find the other one during this line-by-line but if I forget or miss it, ctrl-F it.
forced into the roll of a jester
the role of a jester
I hope you take this with all the venom I'm pushing it with, Homestuck.
ell em ay oh forever
shake things up; a change
you want an em dash here, or rework it completely
side note, the cut to script here is amazing
lost in the past as red tables and counter have a chrome trim.
i get what you're going for here but it's a little clunky, maybe something like, "lost in the past, with its red tables and countertops trimmed with chrome" or something like that
stained by years various messes
by years of various messes (?)
Scared, twitchy, anxious, and all other poor traits for an author to have
I would consider changing these adjectives to nouns — fear, twitchiness, anxiety
defines his existence
define his existence
A waitress who had been taking a customer who was seated at the counter's order
maybe consider "a waitress in the middle of taking an order at the counter" or something like that
he wasn't insane
he isn't insane
to spurn creativity
ah, here it is. "spur creativity"
This "waning off it" crap
I think "weaning off it"
They are a very nice pair of khakis, now ruined by Linus' childish action.
BACK TO LINUS
Linus smirks to himself again, resembling to a petulant child engaging in petty actions for his own amusement.
maybe consider "childishness" over "childish action". you probably don't need to reinforce that he looks like a child and is being petty — I think we get it from what he did. also, it says he smirks to himself again, but I'm not sure when he smirked to himself the first time
The balding man looks down at his now ruined pants, a look of frustration
this is another splice, would recommend a period and new sentence here
love the poem, love the comic.
with the photographs, one more shot in the grass after the first photo with eyes open close up, if possible. eyes squeezed against the approaching docent, eyes open, wide shot i think makes the intention of the series clearer. not sure if it's possible though.
sudden change of scenery, it'd become an unfortunate facet of his life, but this seemed different
this reads better with em dashes I think, but up to you
long lost part of his childhood
long-lost part
a windchime hanging
a wind chime hanging
spurning a pain like a tooth ache
spurring a pain like a toothache
reality could be; no paint smudges,
you want a colon here, not a semicolon
Informed by the brief moments of clarity he had been afforded, meant to tantalize, told him he was somewhere concrete.
this reads a bit awkwardly and im not sure quite what the intention is.
The soft tinkling of the windchime pulled him in
The soft tinkling of the wind chime
a large, open window sitting in the center on two sides,
consider something like "with large, open windows in the center of the front and back sides"
the trees and windchime, all subject
the trees and wind chime
He could appreciate the scarring for what it meant. It was an integral part of him and as much as it hurt him he couldn't see himself being the man he was without it and all the things it drug along.
you want dragged along here.
incidentally, i think the ending needs a little more punch. you could consider ending with just the line "He could appreciate the scarring for what it meant." or end with "It was an integral part of him" or add something after this that gives a solid sense of closure to the piece.
