Crit Request: "The First Pulled From the Sea"

Summary:

A brief account of a man born at sea, his father, and a black spire...

Crit Request: "The First Pulled From the Sea"

DisturbedAeons 08 Jan 2024 04:18

Hello! I am looking for a general critique of my (very) short story which can be found here: http://www.example.com http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/disturbedaeons-2, in the first tab of "Of Wing 2"

Short and sweet, leaving much to the imagination, and to be built upon in later pieces.

Last edited on 09 Jan 2024 02:27 by DisturbedAeons Show more

Re: Crit Request: "The First Pulled From the Sea"

AKAM80 12 Jan 2024 18:35

Howdy! I finished a crit request for someone else and I still have some time before work so I thought I'd give this a look, see what you've got cooking.

Alright, I don't have any line-by-line crit, but I gotta say: I am massively intrigued. Whatever is going on here, I desperately want more of. But that's also the issue: this feels like an intro or proof of concept. As is, all it is is a great hook before a larger story. I'm not saying you can't divvy it up into parts, series exist for a reason, but as is it isn't enough to stand on it's own imo. I just want more.

Edit: I'll also add, I might be alone in this crit, so I'm gonna talk about it on the Discord, see if others will take a peek.

Last edited on 12 Jan 2024 18:37 by AKAM80 Show more

Re: Crit Request: "The First Pulled From the Sea"

zipzipskins 12 Jan 2024 18:54

had a chance to look this over as well and i agree with akam80 — there isn't enough here. there's not enough meat for it to be a fully-realized story. it feels like an outline or elevator pitch. i think if you take the details you have in your head and flesh each line of this out, it could make for a very interesting piece. as it stands the bones are too bare. you could either:

• have this function almost as a prologue, and then fill in the details later (but this piece published on its own page, by itself, even linking to other things, isn't enough!)

or

• treat this as an outline and expand on these plot points to fill the story out

just my two cents.