Crit request: A Hand Stretches for the Stars, Knowing They are Out of Reach

Crit request: A Hand Stretches for the Stars, Knowing They are Out of Reach

Vishardsh 09 Jan 2024 21:22

http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/vishardsh-s-sandbox It's beneath all the tabs (the pilfered css scares me)

This is my Tianhong gift for Maxyfran. Needs tightening up, the flow of the plot is wonky and the ending doesn't feel justified currently. Where does stuff need adding? Taking away? Thanks in advance!

Re: Crit request: A Hand Stretches for the Stars, Knowing They are Out of Reach

zipzipskins 09 Jan 2024 23:05

okay, a lot to like here. loving the interpretation of lady tianhong, very strong dialogue, great messaging. here's where i might shore it up a bit, and i don't think it needs much.

the beginning

so, i suspect the emotional payoff of the piece would hit harder if you do a couple things.

• show us more of lady tianhong's investment in the village itself. it makes her breaking down feel a little sudden in the conversation with the woman. we get that she's concerned that something dramatic has happened to the village, but there's obviously more to the story — because the themes of the canon really stress change and humanity, maybe tell us some of the people she remembers from her last visit and the way that the village appears to her now contrasts with her expectations. children she expected to see as adults. young lovers she expected to see in middle age, with families, etc. then, connect it to this:

Wooden walls creaked in the slow wind, and the restlessness in the centre of my chest that had been growing these past few months lurched like an animal in a cage.

"this village was just like the last two i visited, destroyed by war, all memories of their inhabitants but the ones i had chronicled erased forever from the land under heaven" or whatever. give us that context to why lady tianhong is having this existential crisis. you plant a seed, but i think you could really benefit from investing in sowing a whole field here for the payoff to work the way you intend.

• linked to the above but still distinct, it might be good to name the woman and give some context into how lady tianhong remembers her, and how she's different. twenty-one years on, she has a granddaughter. maybe she was rash and age has mellowed her and brought her wisdom. what's the same about her from lady tianhong's last visit to now? what is not?
• as we approach the end, lady tianhong and the woman travel to the tree. i think taking a beat in the middle of the journey to emphasize the distance the woman is willing to go might be useful. maybe they stop at a stream because the woman needs a drink and a minute to catch her breath. this might give you another opportunity to characterize the change in the woman from lady tianhong's perspective: "though she was not a young woman on my last visit, i realized that the years had taken more of a toll on her body than i had originally understood" or something like that. would also just give the narrative a chance to breathe here before you get to the payoff at the end.

really solid work and i really like it. i think just a couple things here and there will tighten it down and give it the resonance you're looking for. awesome job!

Re: Crit request: A Hand Stretches for the Stars, Knowing They are Out of Reach

AKAM80 09 Jan 2024 23:32

Howdy, stopping by to take a quick peek!

I'll save both of us some time and not repeat zip, so I'll leave it with: I agree with the crits there. My only other offer for consideration is when Lady Tianhong is explaining her fears to the old lady. Once Tianhong's explained her fears, the old lady is very quick with the solution, which feels a little off since she says later she made up the story (and it's a bit too fast for my taste, especially for what is an important moment). I'd recommend having a moment of silence between the two. Let Tianhong sit in what she said, admitting that is a big deal. Let the old lady ruminate over what Tianhong said, there's a lot there. Give her time to think, then ease into her asking Tianhong to come with her and see the tree. Let the prose speak for them.