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Howdy! With all of the recent happenings with Journal of the Walk, I got to thinking about making my own entry.
Any and all criticism you have is welcome, no matter how petty. I'm especially concerned with whether or not this feels like a Journal entry. I tried my best to be conforming to the general style and such of the other articles.
I forgot how to do collapsibles to please excuse that
Fortunately my eyes did not wander upon any SPaG issues, whether from my own distractedness or your skill. This is a very good piece- you capture the snse of wonder and intrigue inherent in the JotW extremely well, and the voice of the narrator comes through in every single word. You feel their fear at teh very end, their mix of wonder and fright at the circumstance of the city. Not to mention your grasp of accent work in dialogue with the old man is very well-done. It truly did feel like it was transcribed in a rush, done with the best hopefulness of understanding the words being said. Overall, this is just another demonstration of your excellent wriitng skills. My best advice and criticism is make the cuild up longer- make us see a little bit more of the quarantine itself. Other than that, GREAT STUFF!!
And dear god your sandbox is worse than mine I love it.
I watch the yonder hills
See foodwrenches toil in dust
Let their cacophonous calls
Rend our bodies to rust
Rising from the ashes, a sinister figure emerges enwreathed in flame. You and this false god make a pact: he will crit your work if you will sacrifice your firstborn to the inferno. This is non-negotiable. You have no choice either way: everyone succumbs to the fire eventually.
Forgive me if I come across as scathing: I mean nothing by it. It is like hot-chocolate. One must drink it scalding hot, or what's the point? If you don't give your tongue 3rd degree burns then why bother. Speaking of, I had worried you might accidentally interpret the post as a crit exchange, which it definitely was not. I can't stop you from helping out on my next work… but it's pretty far from here, so we'll see what happens.
Anyhow: firstborn excepted!
yappin' aside:
Spag is good and your prose is as vivid as usual, so we'll get into some conceptual stuff as requested;
In spite of my own loathe toward life settled
Is the Walker (that's what I'm calling them) saying they loathe the concept of settling or those who live settled? Not a crucial distinction but I don't know if the Walker disdains those who live tethered to a location,just that they would never do it themselves.
I found myself wandering stone pathways in a city whose name I never learned.
I have a question: does this story need the framing of a city? Maybe its the anti-urbanite in me but I think this would much better be framed as a town. Why the city, unless you are going to use the concept of a city to further the theme. I don't really see the city as a vehicle though… and definitely not the tenor. In a JoTW entry I think set-dressing should be avoided as much as possible: everything should contribute to the theme. That's what allows them to be so poignant and yet so lean. And I personally would have it be a more interesting locale: rn its a little sparse in both meaning and imagery. Though maybe that's meant.
her fiddle pressed to her neck and cheek.
This is a pretty decent line, but I think it could use more punch. Sparkle some evocative language here and the description of the bard will (and imo should) sparkle. Also don't bully me but I didn't realize a fiddle was a different name for a violin and originally pictured a fife(?) and that was a strange picture.
I studied the dance for a few minutes, attempting to decipher what strange rubric their flow was based upon.
Here's where you start nailing it. The middle section is much better than the front or aft. Well done: captures that JoTW feel immensely well.
"No, I'm afraid not. I'm a vagabond, simply stopping by."
Dialogue here is a little artificial (and God knows I can't make good dialogue at all: you have better luck in that regards than I, so taking this with a hefty boulder of salt is recommended), and I'm not really sure why the Walker would refer to themself as a vagabond in speaking. Seems either pretentious or… a little off, idk. It would make more sense for someone else to refer to them as a vagabond than it would for them to apply that label to themselves.
but had never pondered its cause
Here, scant few citizens roamed the streets, those that did took great care to leave a breadth of space between myself and them, ignoring any questions I posed.
Why wouldn't they ponder the cause?
We've caught the ire of a god and now we suffer for it.
This could be expanded on, maybe. Why does the god get angry? Is it their fault? Is it all an illusion by the clergy? What's the deal here. You can keep the mystery and add some hints
unthinking of empyrean scorn nor spread of vile black and rushed to the man, kneeling down next to him.
In my view, the Walker has always been somewhat detached from the worlds they walk.
thinking of the body I'd left to rot and be picked at by carrion. Which is why I found myself retracing my steps, returning to the open gates of the city.
In my opinion, the Walker should never return somewhere they've already been without good reason. And I don't think the concern for the body is enough. They should not be compassionate. Nor should they be apathetic, nor ambivalent. They should be transient, semi-aloof, and somewhat ineffectual. They are there to observe: and sometimes they can't help effecting the environment, but when they can they do. Again, that's a analysis you may disagree with and overall I trust your creative vision, but would strongly advise you to look over the ending in general.
The ending line is great! Payoff is satisfactorily haunting. But the build-up to that is where it suffers a bit.
In general, as stated, the beginning and end are where this could use some straightening up. But the middle is perfect JoTW material. All those descriptions of the bard and the people and the strangeness of it. I would like to see some more explained reason (or at least hints) to the strangeness, and more connection to the theme (which feels a bit less concise than I'd want it to). This feels like an entry, yeah, but maybe too much like one. I would like to see some experimentation in places, and it feels at time almost like (but not quite there) a stereotype of the Walker. Find meaningful places to insert motifs, and breathe some of yourself into it. It just feels a little like you're holding back for prosperity's sake, and I want more you in this, which I know you can very much strike a balance in.
All in all I cannot stress enough how much potential this has, especially in the hands of a competent writer such as yourself. If you need anything else, or a second look, or a more in-depth dive line-by-line, reach out and I will be happy to do so. Extremely good work so far!
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
I was gonna take your offer, but then you specified that it wasn't my first-born. (I'll take a look, type some words when it pops up.) ((Upon rereading, this is not a demand for a crit exchange, yet I am going to make it one. And you cannot stop me. Consider this your IOU.))
Edit: Crit received, making alterations.
I have read your revision, and you've justified your choices a lot better here. Whereas I still think some pieces at the beginning could still use a fraction more polish, our views probably differ: which is good! It is your art after all, and I never want my hand present in any work I critique. The hardest goal of applying any critique is to acknowledge and address the concerns presented without compromising the intention of the work and its author. You succeeded! Well done. I can see more of you in this, which is also good: that's the whole point of JoTW.
Well done, exemplary work. I would be delighted to see this up.
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
