0) stuff to get out of the way quickly
0.1) em dashes. Pls. Go through the draft and find every instance of a dash sticking to the end of the word (like this-) and replace it with a -- . It will be easier to read
0.2) the capitalization of the Pale isn't consistent. Is it intentional? If not, go through the draft and make them consistent
0.3) close the div in the end
1) overview
It was a fun and entertaining read! Giving us an insight into the different types of fishing. I like the way it is presented to the readers. I think the sections are just the right length, such as despite there's a lot of them, I didn't get tired while reading it.
The text is easy to read, you worked your prose well. I like that we can learn about the quirks of Cary and aspects of their personality while going through the brochure, about what methods they prefer/don't prefer and why.
2) SPaG and line-by-line
With hands covered in latex gloves, they leave a large stack of paper brochures at the front of the class, sitting in the chair for the first time you can remember.
Try sitting down in the chair instead of just "sitting in the chair". If I understood the action correctly
As you approach, their breathing heavy and raspy, Cary gestures to the stack.
The their breathing heavy and raspy doesn't feel like it fits in. Try moving it to the end or changing it a little
“Friendly Fishing – A Guide to Fly Fishing, Spectral Entanglement, and Fishing Beyond the Pale. By Cary.”
And
Friendly Floatings
A Guide to Fishing, Spectral Entanglement, and Fishing Beyond the Pale.
By Cary
These do not match
Along this quest, I have learned hundreds of things, understood
Unfinished?
For some of you, the enchanted paper this brochure is printed on while displaying something in a completely alien text to your eye.
Restructure this sentence
Or is their rod dirty and well-worn, the reel having been respun time after time, the line faded, and their only equipment contained within a battered red toolbox that they still handle gingerly and carefully?
This and their only equipment contained within a battered red toolbox that they still handle gingerly and carefully? part feels incomplete or odd. I think adding an is around "their only equipment is contained" will do the trick
Within our very own Library, I have established a simple communication nexus that works through certain Ways and sources I have established.
Repeat of established
Now, what kind of fishing can one do? Each of the ones I cover here can be used to fish within the Pale, but some are far easier than others.
I think this sentence could benefit from being expanded a little. Something in the end, a little hook to the upcoming methods
The simplest form of fishing involves flinging a piece of lure or bait out into eh water,
the instead of "eh"?
mealworms, small, and flashsquids are common bait.
Is this intentional? The "small" part
essentially it consists of putting your hands or fingers within the lipsof the beast, making sure that your digits can’t be stuck within the teeth. Then, using your own strength, wrestle the fish into submission until you can easily pull it out of the water.
1) lips of instead of "lipsof"
2) I'd suggest sticking these two sentences together, but then it would be a bit lengthy. Reword the beginning of the 2nd sentence for better cohesiveness
One of the more advanced forms of cast fishing, bottom fishing, or bottom trawling involves lowering a weighted hook or lure directly to the bottom of the water column you are fishing in.
I'd suggest putting a comma at the end of bottom trawling, but then the sentence would be too comma-heavy. Try encasing that part in parentheses
This process brings with it many complications depending on where you fish, what you fishing for, and the environment you are hurling your lure and bait into.
1) This process brings many complications. Take out the "with it"
2) what are you fishing for or what you fish for instead of "what you fishing for"
Kites! The childhood toys of many races, it is quite specialized and only possible on the open ocean or large lakes, kite fishing involves fishing the surface of the water for predator fish that jump out of the water to attack and eat their prey.
Separate it into a new sentence starting with it is quite specialized and […]. If you do that, you can ditch the "it is", resulting in Quite specialized and only possible on the open ocean or large lakes, kite fishing involves […]
It is focused on surface fish, and if done correctly can involve two of my personal favorite meditative activities, fishing and kite flying.
Put a comma after "if done correctly"
The Pale and FIshing Beyond It
Capitalization
You can drift into the shelves and loose yourself,
lose instead of "loose"
the burning in you chest a sign of something happening.
Try putting "is" before "a sign"
And that's all! Good luck with this draft o7
