(Need Crit) What the Future Holds, And the Past Unfolds

(Crit Request) What the Future Holds, And the Past Unfolds

Dr SRoy 25 Jan 2024 16:10

Hi! I'm from India and am actually quite new to this site, and this is my first story, and I need some crits on this.
http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/what-the-future-holds-and-the-past-unfolds
Thanks in advance, and sorry if it's bad lol, first time thingys.

Last edited on 25 Jan 2024 16:15 by Dr SRoy Show more

Re: (Crit Request) What the Future Holds, And the Past Unfolds

TempestRaven 25 Jan 2024 16:31

I'm new, too, and maybe not the most qualified, but

+ I'll do my best.

I think this is an interesting story, and most of the work it needs is general cleanup.

The surprising fact was that she adored no mask.

There are a few places like this which need some cleanup. I think "adored" isn't the best word here. But, other than a bit of cleanup, I think this is good.

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Q: Why is the Wanderer's Library the tallest building in the universe?
A: Because it has the most stories!

Re: (Crit Request) What the Future Holds, And the Past Unfolds

Dr SRoy 25 Jan 2024 17:43

Thanks for the positive review! Will clean up the "adored" part(indeed that really sounds out of place lol). Can you possibly highlight a few more of these cleanups? I too am feeling a little bit off a few places but I am not able pinpoint them exactly.

Re: (Crit Request) What the Future Holds, And the Past Unfolds

TempestRaven 27 Jan 2024 13:20

+ show block

'masks'

Since the pandemic happened so recently, 'masks' makes me think of the cloth masks or N-95s everyone used to wear. Your story doesn't have anything to do with COVID, so perhaps 'dust masks' or 'filter masks' would be better terms?

Water is better; however, temperatures are blazing.

Is the temperature of the weather blazing, or the temperature of the water? I stumbled a little bit here when I read through your story, perhaps you could clean it up?

Her skin was stricken and pale

It doesn't make much sense to me that someone who spends her evenings looking into the sunset would be pale as if she stayed inside her whole life. I doubt many people would notice, but it's the details that make the story. You've done a good job of that, but I think this needs a correction.

Good luck!

---

Q: Why is the Wanderer's Library the tallest building in the universe?
A: Because it has the most stories!

Re: (Crit Request) What the Future Holds, And the Past Unfolds

Dr SRoy 27 Jan 2024 17:53

Thank you so much for the valuable crit! I probably could've never figured out the "pale" one lol, thanks so much!