(Crit Request) Adrift Entry 3: Casus Belli

Summary:

An old world cache is discovered by a burgeoning new territory.

(Crit Request) Adrift Entry 3: Casus Belli

AKAM80 08 Feb 2024 21:11

Howdy! It's been a brief minute since the last Adrift entry. So here I am, presenting the third one, ready for crit!

My main concern is that is moves too quickly with the skipping around. A frequent bane of most of my pieces, but especially the last two Adrift ones, is length. I get to saying stuff and then that stuff just keeps going and going. I tried to be briefer with this one, but I'm not entirely sure about it.

Otherwise, anything you spot generally, thoughts, feelings, etc etc, lay 'em on me. I'll take it all.

I'm fairly certain an in-depth knowledge of the former pieces isn't required since the series is more a collection of vignettes with an underlying greater story, though I could be wrong. This is coming from the guy with the entire plan rotting in his head, so take that with a grain of salt.

Yes, there is a classical white text line at the end, but it doesn't perfectly work with the background color of tabs. And don't be alarmed if you try to highlight something, it's purposeful, I promise.

Obligatory sandbox link: In the second set of tabs, under "Casus Belli".

Thanks!

Last edited on 08 Feb 2024 21:14 by AKAM80 Show more

Re: (Crit Request) Adrift Entry 3: Casus Belli

FleshMaddAvalon 09 Feb 2024 01:18

Firstly, I, for one, ama huge fan of progressive poetry in apiece of media.
I don't knwo the other stories in the series, so I figured I'd give it a shot.
I think a lot of it worked. A lot, But there were a couple issues. My biggest thing is that the sound of ticking at the end could be interspersed further between text. You could have the ticking set between longer and longer stretches of text for instance.
Frankly, I think the length and pace of this fit very well. It goes on for a little bit, but it's good! It could stand to be shortened, especially in the section about fear spreading through the town.
And, and, I reeally enjoyed having to manually highlight the text at the end! It made me feel even more identified with the town itself, like I was a part of the drama in some strange, disconnected way.
I enjoyed this! It was a good trip through the mentality of two very splintered, very scared communities. Its a personal failing but stories like this always remind of Needful Things, despite how problematic that might be. I will proceed to read all of the preceding pieces in reverse order, thank you.
The only SPaG thing I could find was a misreading now that I go back to it. Good job!

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I watch the yonder hills
See foodwrenches toil in dust
Let their cacophonous calls
Rend our bodies to rust