Over Root and Under Loam is Orpek's new hub page. Does it look good? Function well? Is the tense in the opening bit right? I switched it from present-tense to past and I can't work out if I messed it up
- I think it looks good! I even looked at it in full size (not just in the tab, because that messes with some sizing things and whatnot), and it looks great! I like the simplistic vibe.
- Function? Depends on what you mean… but it certainly conveys the emotion of the piece, or the vibe (I've used that word twice now and it haunts me) you want the stories to be written in! And all the collapsibles and links seem to work!
- Changing tenses after you've already written it in one is the devil. Why is does English?? anyhow nothing jumped out at me but when considering tenses I am the last person to ask the aid of. Sorry I couldn't be much help in this regards.
Mud, Blood, Whimsy and Rodents
My heart is broken. The lack of an oxford comma here disturbs me greatly and I shall never forgive you.
Here is our hero, if you could call him that. He certainly wouldn’t like being called so.
A little blocky, and could be softened: 'Here is our hero, though he certainly wouldn't let you call him that', as an example.
A nail sat at his waist, a wooden buckler and helm hanging off the pack resting against the rooted earthen wall, a breastplate of lacquered spruce over his chest.
This is a really long sentence in comparison to the others. Break it up? This is so minor though (most of these will are)
Outside an owl hooted outside and he tensed.
Maybe use more poetic language than "hooted", like 'screeched' or 'droned' or something. Maybe I'm crazy but hooted seems like a weird word. Im crazy.
Orpek of the Sore Feet, if he’d give himself a title
"If he'd have given himself a title"? maybe? idk
rats, mice, frogs and lizards
you hate me
Awesome. Since this is a hub, I just wanna hash some philosophy.
5. You don’t have to use Orpek, but he is the central fulcrum of the canon and finding a way to slot him into the narrative somewhere should at least be considered.
This is, first and foremost, YOUR canon, as Snap said, to do what-and-wherewithal you see fit. But I see so much space in this canon for so much to happen. Should it be that every story must include Orpek? Your choice. I warn that it may eventually face Mandalorian disease, where his appearance is nothing but a cameo. So I would advise 1) stories to solely center around Orpek or 2) to loosen the straps a little more, and really emphasize the themes!! (which are banging and whatever happens idc I cannot wait to write for this, as most of your work inspires me to)
9. The themes of the canon are personhood, mortality, and that a life lived in a big, scary world can be full of colour and life and kindness, even though these things are tempered and changed by their context.
Seriously this is awesome.
Great work. Idk why I went so editor mode on the middle paragraph, it really wasn't much of a problem. Well done!!
MOTORMAGE is stupid, fast and has a lot of long sentences. Is it coherent, readable, clear in what's happening, and most importantly is it fun? (It's about Jabberjabber, but that's not… hugely relevant except to die-hard Ocular Haze fans. If they exist)
- Yes, yes, and yes. Simply put, this succeeds at being high-octane while also readable.
- Yes we exist
the air in the smuggler’s tunnel at the edge of the bandcity stale
"the air […] was stale"?
Exceptionally, valuable.
rouge comma, maybe one of the lost ones from the lists in Over Root and Under Loam (i'm sorry I'll stop)
“Exceptionally fucking valuable,” he’d said, the profanity handing in the air like the acrid smell of oil
"handing" —> 'hanging'
like rad interference or static or ocular haze.
OH MY GOSH HE SAID THE LINE. Is this like in Invincible where it cuts to the title screen instead of actually narrating the words????
Maybe he’d have told someone his story, really told it, before he died. Been held in someone’s arms and wept.
Okay I'm sorry we're maybe 17 sentences in and I'm already emotionally invested because HUH?? the voice is immaculate!
a paper man flung on the currents of an atmospheric riptide between the spaces of a dogfight barrage of spinning brass rounds
this is magnificent
kicked off the loading doors and angled a kick directly at his head.
"kick" twice in quick succession. I would factor one out for a synonym.
First off,
His flip-phone buzzed against his chest
Iconic.
I was also going to make fun of you for using the spelling "tyre" (horrible choice by the way. I don't care about the U.K. system's other quirks but… tyre?? evil.), but thought I already gave you enough grief with the oxford comma bullshit so I won't. Maybe I should just critique this in a serious and professional manner, huh? But anyhow when I read this it made me actually grip my armchair's arms! Jumping up and down levels of excited. Man, this piece is SO good. Its thrilling, and somehow, without losing any of that thrill, manages to be highly 3 dimensional. This thing is thick with evocative prose and doesn't stop being rad even when you expect it to. I could praise it more but this is a critique and I will save that for when you post this. Not much more negative I could say: I might wish there was a bit more but theres nothing really I could imagine warrants expanding, so that's probably just me wanting to read it again. Perfect length, in short. The Bounty hunter also does seem a little scant, charecter-wise, but she's really just set-dressing for the cyclist anyhow so that's not even a major detractor. AMAZING work.
The Song of the Mouse Smithy is meant to be a quick little thing which serves the dual purpose of being an Orpek character piece and also demonstrating my attempt at making a mouse work song. Are either of these aims successful
- Orpek character piece? Hell yeah. I love 'im.
- The song on the other hand could use some work. I have stated some suggestions below.
“Eyight,” said the mouse, wrinkling his nose.
Three consecutive lines of this character's are denoted with "said the mouse", so consider shaking it up a little with different speaking words: i.e. 'Etight, answered the (maybe something appearance-wise could be used in place of 'the mouse', idk.), wrinkling his nose.
Orpek hazarded a further question. “What kind of berries?”
To make the 'hazarded' a little smoother, maybe add a pause before? I know Orpek is bad at peopling so something like 'Silence elapsed for two seconds too many before Orpek hazarded a further question. What kind of berries?' or something. shrug.
I have some words for the song, but that shall be its own section here because I have a lot to say. Its below the general critique if you want to skip right to it. Anyhow I think the formatting might benefit by making the song distinct somehow. Centering it, italics, maybe a border around it. Something, maybe, if you feel like playing around with that. Continuing on…
Orpek put the memory in the safe place in his mind and labelled it Redcliffe.
I love this rat
“Ehup,” the smith said cheerfully, if a little tiredly. “I don’t know you.”
I like the characterization here. Are people afraid of Orpek, generally, upon meeting him? I probably would be. I think I see a little of that here, but maybe to expand upon it in the following dialogue? Entirely my opinion and barely that. These characters are good. They have things that they're thinking but not saying and you can tell by their speech.
“You have a fine voice for a smith,” said Orpek. “I’d say your talents were wasted but that clasp speaks otherwise.”
Unless the clasp is really all that special I might sub in 'reputation'
“Aw, thanks,” said the smith. “You know how to win me over, tha’s for sure. Flattery goes straight past my brain to my heart.” She held out a paw, retracted it, scrubbed it on her side, and then held it out again. Orpek shook it.
I think she might have gone a little too quickly to trusting him, unless she actually doesn't and I'm misreading. He's a scary rat who she knows is an out-of-towner… I might be more cautious towards him
Great work, I can't say much negative about it!!! Does what you want it to, and well, for a character piece. I might say I want a bit… more. Maybe this is just me but I wish there was a bit more conversation. Maybe a little bit more humor (there is already, and it's good!) from some interactions. If you wanted to you could explore Orpek being separated from the nail so that it can be fixed, and delve deeper into what that means for him. But good job all around. Now, to songwriting class!
Something first to consider is rhyme scheme. While not all work songs have a set rhyme scheme, they usually do contain some. This is primarily from how work-songs originate. The beat of the song with be whatever monotonous beating they're doing. Non-monotonous work does not have a real… work song soul, y'know? It would be strange to hear a hunter singing a work song while stringing up traps: there is no natural rhythm in what she does. She might sing a song or whistle, but that is just the natural proclivity for music to appeal to humans. Work songs are different. They are discovered, not penned. A shanty sung on a rowing ship has a different air than a baker singing to himself in the kitchen. Another thing to further consider is that work songs are almost never lyricized by only one person; what this type of music is the taking of the oppressive melody of hammers and bending it to the human will. The human collective. So usually in place of "I do" or "I make" there is "we do" and "we make". These songs are created when two or more are doing the same drudging task, and often are tolerated because of the consistency they produce (think drums on a viking ship) and the moral they inspire.
This being said there needs not be an actual set tune, only a set beat. On what words do the hammers fall? is my biggest question for you to ponder. Some other guidelines to consider:
a) Humans like rhyming, and happen to be pretty good at it! In a lot of work songs I've researched the rhyming word is on the end of each stanza, and is the same rhyme throughout. I.e. what you've done in 2 and 3
Smelter’s hot and anvil’s hard
Bronze to melt for channel’s pour
Zinc and copper, measured tin
Pots and pits and molten ore
Casts to shape and tongs to grasp
Charcoal’s souls recall the copse
And sigh ‘though mourning summers past
As out the forge-mouth hot air roars
But otherwise they usually follow the idea of the first and fourth line rhyming, if you're held to four lines in a stanza. Sometimes, these will be combined entirely with a common refrain in every stanza. One that might change at the end for dramatic effect. Repetition is something that people doing highly repetitive jobs add to their songs quite often.
b) Furthermore, work songs are are typically short and simple, maybe even with call and refrain stanzas. To the effect of
"boy the winds are a'bluster,"
"but at least I don't have to see me wife!"
"boy the waves are threat'nin',"
"but at least I don't have to see me wife!"
This is a pretty typical shanty style, and how much you want to take from it is up to you. But simplicity is key here. They made this up themselves and passed it down by rote because that's what was done for them. Words and notes have changed, but the subject is the same: work, contrasted with outside; work, as glory or honor; work, contrasted with dreams; work, as complacency or settling down; work, contrasted with pleasure.
c) So is the song about forging nails? Or is it about forging nails and wanting home instead? Is it glorious? Are these rodents taking pleasure in the craft, the difficulty of it? The art? Are they ambivalent to the life of each tool, or do they smile for axes and frown at swords (or vice-versa?).
Overall I can see what you're going for with this, and I quite like the idea. The execution could use some refinement though. I sand this song to myself a few times trying out a few different melodies and it works well enough in the mouth, but as, with everything we know to be real, could be improved. Furthermore though the vocal chords assent, the mind stumbles a little.
