My biggest piece of advice would be to read out loud. Even better, start a new blank document and try to copy what you have now onto it by typing the whole thing out manually, reading aloud as you do so. I recommend this because the piece right now is full of verb tense and pronoun issues, as well as clunky sentence structure; when you're reading out loud, if something causes you to stumble over your words, that probably means it needs a fix.
As for the story, I'm not feeling anything particularly new about the mythos you're creating that isn't an echo of existing popular mythologies. I can think of at least three separate cultural mythologies where the embodiment of Chaos would very much like to kill Order by killing the Gods, and in two of them it would probably start by killing the one who watches and/or tortures the dead. I apologize if this is harsh, but the story in its current state feels like the same story that's been told many times but with new names. The Library tie-in is kind of cool, but it doesn't change the feeling since again, your "Yalda" could have just as easily been Thoth of the Egyptian pantheon.
What to do about this? I don't know, it's not my story. I'll just list some ideas to potentially inspire you:
- Maybe scale your Chaos character waaay down in mindset. Still with looming irresistible power, but maybe with a strikingly human motivation and personality.
- Maybe describe how your various Gods, no matter how different their personality or theme, all uphold some central thing that Chaos is fundamentally against. It could be the idea of Order, or something else.
- Maybe bring the scale of your imagery way down. Show what happens to nature on a human or even smaller scale, when the gods die one by one. What do rival ant colonies get up to when the God of War dies? What's a mushroom to do if nothing dies anymore? What happens to the information in a book when physics starts crumbling?
I won't lie, this piece needs a lot of work. But I'm confident you can take it somewhere.
Happy writing,
-Piano
