Crit Request: Let There Be Time

Summary:

A short story about the end of all things, and how the world came to be.

Crit Request: Let There Be Time

humanoid_human 07 Mar 2024 04:13

http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/humanoid-human

Things I think I need help with:

• How is the prose? Does it come across as too much?
• How is the impact? Essentially, what's your reaction to the piece?
• Can you tell what's going on? Either way, is it interesting.

The entire story is inside the tab of the same title. The collapsible at the bottom is all of the other works in my sandbox, which you are free to look at if you want to, but are not really anything yet. Just ramblings and snippets.

EDIT: Forgot to mention, this is for combocon. The words are "leftover" and "heat".

Last edited on 10 Mar 2024 03:26 by humanoid_human Show more

Re: Crit Request: Let There Be Time

NotAnOligarch 07 Mar 2024 22:41

Crit pending… If not dispensed in 1-2 days, scream at me.

Let there be crit

"Fifteen billion years," the Magister murmurs to themself. "At least we can give them that long."

This is a little clunky. Instead maybe "We can at least give them that (long)" (though I would remove long here entirely)

The Iron Sun, a trillion trillion kilograms of silicon and neon and elemental iron fuel, the blazing eye and beating heart of the remaining universe, however small it may be, a baleful light in the eternal void, the bonfire around which all life huddles like frightened hunters around a dying bonfire –

holy run-on. This is a little jarring imo, but I see it is a decision instead of a mistake so if you choose to keep it I would perhaps make it longer even?

“Come, now. What use objectivity, here at the end of days?” the Magister asks.

What is he asking??? Objectively what?

the remains of the universe, the universe which has not been torn from our grasp by the flow of space and time

I might say "not yet" torn from out grasp

---

Overall I think you have an interesting concept here.

1. It certainly doesn't come across as too much. Maybe, even, not enough. I would prefer this to have a little more meat on its bones.
2. I like it, it interests me. I could imagine a world like this, but I would like you to show me a little bit more of it maybe.
3. Sorta? A man-made sun is the last provider of heat and life in the universe. Then it goes supernova for… reasons? to preserve life… somehow? To cause..? I dunno.
4. As a contest entry, this would probably do… okay. But people might expect a bit more.

Need anything else, don't fret to call me up via PM.
—Oli

---

Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.

Last edited on 09 Mar 2024 15:57 by NotAnOligarch Show more

Re: Crit Request: Let There Be Time

humanoid_human 10 Mar 2024 03:27

Thanks for the crit! Yeah looking through it the idea definitely does not come across clearly enough. I will say this: I think you have missed the main point of the story. But that's my fault. I'll think about how I could fix it.