ComboCritRequest - Groundwater

Summary:

A first-person fable not-so-subtly alluding to and inspired by a certain series involving Roots and Loams

ComboCritRequest - Groundwater

NotAnOligarch 19 Mar 2024 16:33

edit: POSTED! Linke to article: https://wanderers-library.wikidot.com/groundwater/comments/show

Under the top-tab Groundwater. Apologies for the mess. Thank you for this, I know it's a little… last minute, eh. It's not too lengthy. This is for ComboCon, however buzzer-beating it may be! Much appreciated!

• How's the dialogue lookin'? In that same vein, how do the characters come off?
• Does it drag anywhere?
• Anything else?

* Spoiler

—Oli

---

Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.

Last edited on 22 Mar 2024 14:36 by NotAnOligarch Show more

Re: ComboCritRequest - Groundwater

zipzipskins 20 Mar 2024 22:25

i will crit this one when i can. please hold for the next available representative.

hello. my name is zip.

Oak sapling

no need for caps on "oak"

Despite this, they live a happy life.

the disdain here is fab.

as I inform him of such

do you mean "and i inform him of such"

he pleads for his to be all-too-short life.

i know what you mean with this construction but it hitches. "inevitably all-too-short" doesn't feel quite right either, but catches less? workshop it a bit perhaps

To his credit the tears

comma after credit

Likely, due to his shot nerves

on the other hand i would cut this comma

Manners," I continue, "are redolent of maturity. Without them, there's not much proof of it at all. Indubitably.

this characterization, the pompousness. so good. i think you could lean into this sort of dialogue from slip earlier on. plant the seeds of it: the words too grandiose, and on the edge of misuse.

Lady Night comes on little vixen paws, creeping over top of the world in a sensual dance to overtake the day.

one of the most wonderful things in the world is when i read a sentence and desperately wish i had written it because it's so killer. exhibit a here.

the ending is astoundingly good. another one of the most wonderful things in the world is feeling bad for characters who are meant to be villainous. you strike the balance beautifully and with intention.

wonderful work. stellar. would be thrilled to see this entry into the contest. thank you for writing it.

Last edited on 21 Mar 2024 17:55 by zipzipskins Show more

Re: ComboCritRequest - Groundwater

Snapdragon133 21 Mar 2024 23:41

This is so good! I think you were the perfect person to take a stab at the first antagonistic character from root and loam, because Slip is is a very cool character. He does fit very squarely in the fox archetypes, but when an archetype is done well you'll never find me complaining. I agree with Zip, the little detail of him using big words he may not fully understand is a really fun and unique character trait, and I think it fits Slip.

One thing I'll say is that the name Thomas doesn't really fit the existing names from the canon, it's almost a bit too human? It's a different society than any of the others so there's always possible justification for why it would be closer to a human name, so ultimately do what you want, but I figured I should bring it up. Other than Zip's SPaG, I think this is good to post!