Groundwater / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Groundwater.

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NotAnOligarch 22 Mar 2024 14:11

Firstly, tremendous thanks are in order to zipzipskins and Snapdragon133 for their invaluable critique and kind words. Love ya. What an honor to be among such wonderful folks. Secondly, to various offsite friends who also gave it appraisal. Thirdly, to the truly inspirational Vishardsh, whose work in Over Root and Under Loam influenced this work heavily, and in whose world it is set. Fourthly, to the contest organizers, and to the WL as a whole. Smooches.

I read No Fear the Owl back during its drafting phases, and loved every last bit of the wonderous world of fear and mice and dirt. Using a random number generator to pick which prompts I used for this contest left me with "hideaway + unearth," which I initially struggled with but had the strange inkling that a fox ought to be involved in some way. So I watched Wes Anderson's Fantastic Mr. Fox and read some of Aesop's fables to drum up some fire. Here's what was produced from these efforts.

Thank you for reading! Have a good day. Don't kidnap any mayors' sons in a convoluted plot to eat people. I guess that's the moral here.
—Oli.

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Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.

Last edited on 22 Mar 2024 14:26 by NotAnOligarch Show more

Snapdragon133 22 Mar 2024 15:09

Personal ComboCon Reading Progress: #1

Y'know when I was giving critique, I almost mentioned how Slip reminded me a bit of Mr. Fox, so it's funny to find out you watched it for inspiration! I enjoy this as an expansion to Under Root and Over Loam, showing us the perspective of one of the predators since so far we've been squarely from the perspective of prey - I especially like how Slip seems to be very aware of his position in the chain and at peace with it. The language was also a big pointer for me and "Life is a heist — In, and out." goes so hard. +1!

Last edited on 30 Mar 2024 23:03 by Snapdragon133 Show more

Din-Bidor 22 Mar 2024 17:59

Well well well, it seems you've finally done it: I am provoked enough to add to this delicious little canon. Excellent work. This gave me real The Abominable Charles Christopher vibes, and I love it.

Last edited on 22 Mar 2024 18:00 by Din-Bidor Show more

zipzipskins 22 Mar 2024 18:45

like din, i find this work inspiring: it expands the lore outward for the canon, gives us slices into what the wider world is like from different perspectives. i always intended to write something in the canon but this is bumping it up my list. your writing is clever, with fun twists and plays on slip's character that keep it lively and engaging to read throughout. it was very good in crit, even better now. exquisitely paced and great fun to read. the emotional dissonance i get from sympathizing with this villain, too, is brilliant: a fox has to eat, after all, and just because the mice are the "good guys" doesn't make his biological imperative any less compelling!

fantastic to read such great stuff, new on site, from one of the people who first welcomed me to the community and read my work. thank you so much for everything.

enthusiastic +1.

Vishardsh 22 Mar 2024 23:18

I did try to drop a crit of this before you posted it but got caught up with other stuff and didn't manage to get my thoughts out in time, but in reality all I would have had to say would have been tiny suggestions about names and stuff which you ended up remedying (I do like the more conventionally fantasy-esque slightly-misspelled-normal-name you used). I read a lot of Aesop's Fables as a kid which influenced me making the canon in the first place and this has that same ring of poetic justice to it, mixed with the sheer snarky, unrepentant yet self-aware villainousness of Slip. Much like Snap's contribution to this canon this is most certainly not something I would have written but it fits right in. Really took my vague rules about predators and ran with them.

You made ME want to write for the canon ffs. Best get on with No Fear of the Owl

TrapdoorViolet 24 Mar 2024 04:00

Oli, I loved this piece. There were several lines that had me laughing! Slip exemplifies all the best traits of trickster characters that foxes so often represent in fables. I understand that Slip absolutely needs to eat to survive and it's not his fault that his prey is so innocent and cute, but also he isn't satisfied with just hunting, eating, and moving on. I love how he feels so assured of his success and then watches his plan go up in flames. Very satisfying ending. Well done!

-Vi

Last edited on 24 Mar 2024 04:00 by TrapdoorViolet Show more

Gawain777 28 Mar 2024 17:29

Lovely little piece. +1

Rosyfox2002 29 Mar 2024 09:46

This is my first actual peek at this canon and I must say the story sold it really well. Made me want to read and learn more about it. Your sense of voice in the internal narration vs. what Slip chooses to say out loud is really well done. They are picking and choosing very carefully often and have far more insight on the inside than they may let show to the outside. Overall, a nice little piece! ✨+1
-Rosy

Spoddetman 30 Mar 2024 20:08

A darkly humorous exploration of this wonderful little canon from a perspective we haven't seen yet. I've also seen Fantastic Mr. Fox, so the vibe was not lost on me. I was picturing the scenes in the same type of charming stop-motion. Excellent work. I'm gonna have to read this canon, aren't I?

Sodden +1.

Rounderhouse 01 Apr 2024 04:20

I can't speak to the larger relevance this may have to the series this seems to belong in, but this was kind of an odd one for me — there are aspects I like quite a bit, but there are a number of structural/technical faults that drag it down. I think the storybook-esque narrative of a fox and a mouse is really fun and I like this particular twist on it. The prose has a fun, melodic style to it, and it really does feel like I'm being recalled a story, which is the ideal way to experience something like this. But the fox's voice, which really carries this story, is inconsistent — for the most part it's strong, but there are parts where it drops away entirely or feels out of character, and takes me out of the work. I also find some structural issues — "show don't tell" is played-out advice but, what does the reader gain from the fox telling them in advance how he's going to cajole the mouse before he proceeds to do exactly that? It's redundant and undercuts the impact of the latter part — the betrayal of the fox has the opposite problem, where it feels unearned because it kind of comes out of left field, never hinted at or acknowledged. It leaves the ending feeling rushed and hurried — not quite a deus ex machina, but certainly not satisfying.

NotAnOligarch 02 Apr 2024 18:32

Valid criticisms all; I agree especially to your point of the betrayal. Once the contest is over I will have to bake in a line or two setting that up a bit more. Thank you for reading and giving feedback, it's always a joy (genuinely) to see where I can improve from someone who is more experienced than I.

E: Minor edits have been made to voice and foreshadowing.

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Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.

Last edited on 08 Apr 2024 20:25 by NotAnOligarch Show more

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