A respite of relaxation and the slaughter of sobriety that the gears of society can keep ticking.
What are you trying to get across in this sentence? Maybe I'm having an extended stupid but to me this is very muddy.
Days off were gifts from the gods themselves. A respite of relaxation and the slaughter of sobriety that the gears of society can keep ticking. Which meant they were a preciously rare commodity. Korbin wish she knew just how true that was before being put in the job. Although on some level, she could begrudgingly appreciate it. The military was no place for the idle after all, much less during a time of war.
I don't like to critique style as a whole, it being so subjective. But I think a lot of the pacing here could benefit from less periods and more conjoiners. In the end that's entirely your call though, so take it with a grain of pepper
The most recent rumor getting the boots moving was some eldritch beast had returned from the void
Missing 'that' after 'was' here: "the boots moving was that some"
handle the situation when the deranged, shroom-addled wizard: capable of searing the flesh from one’s body, starts flying ten feet off the ground wielding his other ‘magic wand’.
This is really funny. Anyway you've got a random comma stuck in there after 'wizard' for no reason.
before anyone got brave enough to utter the word “tab”.
Punctuation always goes inside qoutes
The messenger informed Korbin that they were specifically requested to head to the Imperial prisons. Pants mandatory.
Korbin and the messenger? This should probably just be "she was specifically requested" I think.
“Cheery” mused Korbin.
Comma after 'cheery'
The cell door flew open flew open as the inquisitor confidently stumbled into the dank room.
It flew open twice!!?? In this economy?? (Warning: this joke was stolen from Snapdragon133. NotAnOligarch has been punished accordingly) Also you capitalized 'inquisitor' earlier so this should probably be that.
The duo had quickly garnered the title of the “firecrackers”.
That period is sitting outside his quote-house, in the rain, smoking a cigar rn. Cheer him up: invite him back inside.
“ Are you the one that requested me?” Korbin questioned
Misclick space there
“ Yeah, but c’mon, what are friends for? You wouldn't believe how crazy things are getting out there,I had to blow up an entire supply depot just to slow that thing down. If you could just talk to someone and speed my way back out to the field…”
Misclick space + no space after 'getting out there,'
Any reason to explain why you’re such a colossal pain. In. MY. ASS.”
Maybe no all caps on 'MY' to make it seem more punchy
That’s bound to happen, hells it's expected.
Colon instead of comma here
Little fuckin defects like you come in and we decide whether or not to send you right back out to the grinder.
'Fuckin' should have a contraction mark: "Little fuckin' defects like you"
“ Pfft, I ask myself that all the time.”
Your keyboard hates you huh
At first I thought it was a joke” admitted Korbin. “ Just like the crap we used to pull. I mean, *you* of all people, fighting on the front lines?
Comma after 'joke' and in the place of the period after 'Korbin.' also another rouge space before 'just'… and what's going on with the asterixis? is that intentional or do you mean to bold/italic that?
“ And what would you have me do, huh?!”
Rouge space… there are a few more after this, which shouldn't be too hard to nab. They seem to only happen in dialogue. idk why
“While you inquisitors bravely charge the happy hour lines
Again, inconstancy with the capitalization of inquisitors
So yeah, I’m a fuck up! But at least I'm doing *something*. Not just living it up safely behind a desk.”
If the asterisks are intentional might you put the punctuation inside them? Up to you: its your style
“ You fail the questioning: you die. You pass and rejoin the ranks likely just to end up dead and buried in a ditch somewhere. And for everyone else I have to process, as much as I hate it, I can make that call. They’re not people. They’re just faces, voices I've had plenty of practice drowning out.”
“But you? Whatever happens to you is solely on me. I’ve been doing the only thing I can for you, but at the end of the day i’m still the one sending you out there. But you’re determined cause and find trouble wherever you go. And if this keeps up, one day you’re gonna run into a situation I won't be able to talk you out of, and I won't be able to live with myself when you do. I can’t be responsible for that.”
If these are all from the same speaker, which I think they are, the qoutemark at the beginning of each indentation would be removed if directly continuing, with no interjections from the prose, from the previous line. So you would remove the dblqoute before the 'but you?'
But to your main concerns, the characters are real! Nothing drags, its all logical and makes sense. Good job! Very, very good work here! just some syntax stuff left to declutter and you've got your piece ready to buzzer-beat.
—Oli
