4/5/24 EDITS:
Grammar overhaul of entire work, rephrasing and some minor word changes dotted throughout first two parts. SPaG errors should be mostly fixed.
Yours, Sevalif
I'm going to have to break from the crowd here and give this a downvote, but there were some positives that I noticed. The worldbuilding, although sometimes feeling forced, is interesting and whimsical. The comforting slice-of-life vibe comes across and makes this cute world of bugs feel lived in. That being said, there are numerous SPaG errors, and the prose in general feels bland. If I were you, I would make the language more evocative and maybe try to get the exposition to feel more natural instead of in an awkward dump. For what it's worth, I like this world you've created, and I'd be interested in seeing more of it.
That's odd for spelling and grammar errors, as I and some people who were gracious enough to crit it for me ran through the work for spelling errors. Perhaps it was an oversight on my part?
As for the bland wording, I didn't mean for it to come across that way. I'll have to do some editorial work after the con is over. I think the problem was not wanting to come off as verbose, so some of the language is a little more basic. I wanted to add more bits of worldbuilding, but time snuck up on me.
Thank you for the criticism.
Yours, Sevalif
Actually, after some deliberation, I think I'm gonna change my vote to a novote. My criticisms and observations still stand, but I was being too harsh in giving out a vote towards deletion. Either way, I encourage you to keep trying and improving.
Personal ComboCon Reading Progress: #10
You've got a very charming story here, but I don't feel comfortable upvoting due to two main factors: SPaG and length. There was a significant number of mistakes (some of which I fixed), enough so that it was consistently distracting. Additionally, there were some larger things that were not worded well. I've included some examples to show what I mean:
He still detected some traces as he detected hints of cinnamon and fresh loaves of acorn bread from the bakeries.
Here you repeat basically the same action, detecting, with the first version not making much sense to me.
A flea in these parts was common, unlike in the coastal towns he had visited, no one stared at him on that fact unlike the hempieras
Sentences like these exist throughout your piece, where they are just excessively wordy about the same topic. Everything after the second comma is basically a more descriptive way of explaining the first half of this sentence, making teller previous stuff feel lesser and redundant. Then, "unlike the hempieras" is added on at the end with no commas or similar punctuation, making it feel like a run-on sentence.
For a moment, he supposed he would’ve considered it. But his head turned for a moment back to the circus, he could even make out some of the carnis’ chitter chatter and Soren’s complaining.
This is another example of the same issue. The comma in the second sentence plus the non sequitur that follows it makes this a very confusing read. You really need to go through this with a fine-tooth comb, reading aloud, so you can catch stuff like this.
As an extra note, there were some times with big blocks of dialogue that didn't feel very natural and more on the side of overt exposition, so I'd recommend trying to chop that up as well.
As for the length, this story feels like many things are set up - the circus, Soren, town elders, Khalid, and more but only one of these (Khalid) are kind of resolved at the end, admittedly in a way that feels a little rushed but still satisfying, but the bit I was most interested to see (the actual circus) is not provided. This story needs to be longer. What is here, ignoring the SPaG, does feel genuinely enjoyable. Little bug society is great, I love the stuff about the dog, and I commend you for alerting me to existence of cockchaffers, but this still needs some work. If you do end up rewriting, please let me know cause I'd love to reread it
echoing the spag and wording issues — it caused a level of distraction that i personally had a very hard time getting around, despite absolutely loving bugs and so much of what you create here on atmosphere, vibes, and concept. i also agree with snap above that there is a lot that feels rushed and unresolved. i think that concerns you received in crit might not have been especially useful here? for one a lot of spag errors went through, but the parts where you open up your prose and let it sing are my favorite parts, rather than the less-evocative, simpler language parts. granted, i have a penchant for purple prose, but i digress. i think the meat of the story is very good, but the unfinished feeling of both the narrative and the conventions are leaving me right on the edge of a downvote. all that being said, i want to see this one succeed on its own merits: if you want crit later, when i am less busy after the contest, and you're okay with waiting a bit, im happy to look this over and give feedback! a very borderline novote for now.
Inclined to agree with all of zip's thoughts, particularly on the rushed and unsatisfying narrative — only that I feel they weren't enough to pull this away from a downvote for me, sorry.
Now I don't wanna pile on, but since I'm trying to leave my thoughts on most of these I think I ought to. Echoing the above: the SPaG mistakes are pretty distracting. Overall, I enjoyed the work a lot! Similar to zip, I would be very happy to give this more feedback once the contest is over, if you're so inclined. That's the wonderful part of the Library. Nothing is static, everything can be improved. Novote
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
Liked the world building and story here enough to upvote, but would echo what others said about spag. I think your descriptive language could do with a little more spice, and I did also notice that a lot of your sentences are of a very similar length, which can make the writing itself feel repetitive. Still, those things can be fixed, and the fundamental core of the story is worth the effort of fixing them.
I liked this one. Always been a fan of world like these, and the language really helps sell the piece here. It has a few issues, mainly on the structuring of the writing, and the odd way it set ups the world without exploring it much, but still, I think the good surpasses the bad, and was still an enjoyable read.
Somewhat weak +1, but I would recommend listening to the other comments, cuz they are right in that this piece would benefit from spag corrections, and an expansion upon the world built here.