Quick 5 minute poem because I had the motivation to lock in before the contest closed
The Red on The Horizon / Discussion
Forum
» Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions
» The Red on The Horizon
This is the discussion related to the wiki page The Red on The Horizon.
I know this was a 5 minute poem, and I tried to keep that in mind while thinking about it, but I still think this piece doesn't work. It's short, and what it does have doesn't pack enough punch to really leave me feeling satisfied. I think this has just suffered from a lack of time to develop and expand it. With that, I'm gonna have to leave a -1.
It's a nice short poem! Easily readable and digestible, especially amidst contest works of long prose. But on its own, standing in a void, this work does not work very well — it is too short, and its verse underdetailed. I feel that with just another five or ten minutes, this work could truly shine. But it is good! The bones are sweet and cooked perfectly. Now give me some meat before I gnaw on the marrow sweet.
-Styg
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?
Personal ComboCon Reading Progress: #4
I feel bad because I feel like I'm right on the edge of an upvote, because I do really enjoy the imagery that's here, but I agree with Stygian because I feel like the language just isn't that evocative. You've got the concept, but the verse needs to better convey it. Novote
I liked it enough to give it a +1, but it certainly does feel like it could be more. Still very enjoyable for me, though!
-THB
-T.H.B.
from poetry i want substance. i want to be struck with the way the words combine, with emotions beamed across the cosmos into my heart, with beauty and balance. this piece unfortunately doesn't capture the things that i want from my poetry. it's too spare, and the imagery that exists is not filled out. that's not to say that i think the piece doesn't work — just that it doesn't work for me. poetry is so intensely personal. that said i appreciate a poetry submission to the contest, and i think that this piece with some fine-tuning could sing, because your idea is very solid. novote.
I agree; this just didn't really strike me in any way. After passing over to the comments page the meat of the poem had basically left my mind entirely. There's just nothing there to bite into, much less something to make an impact in such a brief length.
Yeah, sorry, couldn't get into this one. I don't feel it has any particular substance to hold onto. -1
/forum/t-16760419/the-red-on-the-horizon#post-