i think it either needed to commit completely to the screenplay format, or not be written as a screenplay at all.
there is too much in the piece that is too well-written and too important for the characterization that makes no sense being encoded as dialogue in a screenplay. too much first person introspection and exposition. if you're going to do all of the first-person stuff and you intend it to be an internal monologue, you need to *express* this in the directions. i will give an example so it's clear what i mean:
MOLLY GAMBOL: I smoothly flank my left side with the door and rest my right hand on the doorframe, letting the nightgown drape across the exposed space. He doesn’t seem to notice.
JOHN FARAJI, PORTER: She’s clearly hiding something, but I don’t really give a damn.
MOLLY GAMBOL: “Can I help you?”
JOHN FARAJI, PORTER: “…Mail.”
i understand the first two parts here are doing exposition work, but because they are tagged with the character names, it indicates dialogue, which indicates that these characters are saying these first-person expositions out loud to one another. you then follow up with things in quotes which is how you are *actually* indicating dialogue in the piece — the problem is that this is not how screenplays are written. as a possible approach, you might try something like this:
MOLLY smoothly flanks her LEFT SIDE with the door and rests her RIGHT HAND on the doorframe. Her NIGHTGOWN drapes across the exposed space. JOHN does not notice.
MOLLY GAMBOL: Can I help you?
JOHN FARAJI, PORTER: …Mail.
early in the piece there is a section that you have a very clear visual concept of where molly is recounting her day and there's a slideshow on the side of the screen, and she's talking here in first person. this is really, really great! it makes the other off-format expository stuff much more confounding when it appears.
i think if you clean it up, make it consistent with the format, and move things the audience wouldn't be able to psychically know either into internal monologue, which you can indicate by saying something like:
MOLLY GAMBOL: [internally, not aloud] Do I really look like that when my cheeks burn?
and move other things to direction, this piece will be absolutely and i mean absolutely brilliant. i'm being a bit harsh just because i think there is so, so much amazing stuff about the piece and it could stand to be improved in such a major way and be a crown-jewel sort of entry here on site if you manage it.
if you ever want crit on it, or you want to workshop stuff with me, or you want clarifications on what i mean, please let me know.
