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I think this is a cute concept, and I also liked the song you linked to. I have a few words of advice.
Firstly,
No roses have grown as of yet for those who are not part of the gender binary.
This line doesn't really fit. The rest of the passage keeps things strictly metaphorical with regard to what the roses represent. Make it more subtle.
Also, I think you should do more than list the colors of the roses; list more of how they make you feel, how they are maintained, and what each type looks like. Really put your own spin on things. A lot is just glossed over and I feel like these could have more depth.
This line doesn't really fit. The rest of the passage keeps things strictly metaphorical with regard to what the roses represent. Make it more subtle.
Yeah, I deleted that line as you could probably figure out what I'm trying to say without that line.
Also, I think you should do more than list the colors of the roses; list more of how they make you feel, how they are maintained, and what each type looks like. Really put your own spin on things. A lot is just glossed over and I feel like these could have more depth.
I'm not sure I can do that without the article being dragged out. I'll try and figure out what to do about it being glossed over, but I don't think I can fix that.
I am 𝗙𝗜𝗡𝗘,
I swear.
Overall, with the changes you've made I think it is quite good.
This line csm be smoother
While most people might have hundreds of roses of all colors in their gardens, I have a lot less.
"A lot less" is kind of vague and makes it sound like there are several colors your garden doesn't grow when its just reds and oranges that are absent. Since the focus is on being aromantic, you should specify that the garden doesn't grow the most popular/common colors, if that makes sense.
"A lot less" is kind of vague and makes it sound like there are several colors your garden doesn't grow when its just reds and oranges that are absent. Since the focus is on being aromantic, you should specify that the garden doesn't grow the most popular/common colors, if that makes sense.
Fixed :)
I'm going to be getting one more person to critique this before posting. Wish me luck.
I am 𝗙𝗜𝗡𝗘,
I swear.
Hey, I took another look at your draft and quite enjoyed what you have so far. Would you like some more crit?
Well, it's not 100% finished yet, but sure!
I am 𝗙𝗜𝗡𝗘,
I swear.
Will try to take another look soon, just so you know.
SUMMONED FROM THE DEPTHS
Right now, this suffers from being far too short. Over-pruning, perhaps? Fear not it being too long! Length itself is not a crippling agent. I would like some expansion, please! Specifically, first in terms of plot. For pragmatic purposes, I'll give you some starting points:
Welcome to my garden! My garden is most likely different than a "typical" garden you may see while traveling.
While most people might have hundreds of roses of all colors in their gardens, my garden doesn't grow some of the more popular colors that everyone obsesses over.
Here we have three sentences in two whole paragraphs. We need more!!! Each can be expanded. Also, one might consider the way you tell your allegory. Is it the gardener, taking us on a tour? Have we stumbled here, and are given the information via another medium? Is it directly revealed via narrative? Give us a journey! A plot-pyramid! This is my main issue, and I think by fixing it you will fix length: tell us a story!
Pink roses are almost as abundant as the magenta ones, and often it's hard to tell them apart. Often, these pink roses help the magenta ones grow. They also often grow near the magenta ones.
The meanings of all of these rose types are entirely opaque to us without your list of what they mean at the beginning. I'm unable to understand the metaphor, and I think more plot would also help with that. You need especially prolonged and evocative imagery to convey allegory correctly.
Though this garden may seem weird to you, it's mine, and I'm happy with the roses I've grown here.
While all the previous critique applies, I would caution being too blunt with the reader. One must both give enough for them to understand your allegory and also not beat them over the head with the meaning of the metaphor.
Hope that helps a little! Feel free to ask questions or interrogate me further. PM me again with a further draft, if you deem it fit or think my further inquiry would be advantageous! I would certainly be ready and willing!
—Oli
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
I decided to completely rewrite this as I felt that if I kept the piece referring to just me, it would become incredibly boring. I decided to instead make it for everyone and leave the story on a cliffhanger. I hope you enjoy the new version!
I am 𝗙𝗜𝗡𝗘,
I swear.
Much improvement! A story is born, huzzah! Now to refine. Again, SPaG fixup to come in the mail in 1 to 2 business days whenever you ask me for it
I wish the Gardener had a little more personality. They're a little scant, as of now, and could certainly use some more characterization. Also, their dialogue is mostly infodump. Now its not unpleasant, due to the frame (i.e. a tour of the garden) it would benefit from some interspersed characterization dialogue. Characters are not meant to be enslaved by the plot, they are meant to naturally further it via action or question.
As well, I wish it were more descriptive. I can tell you see this place in your mind: show us that! Give us a glimpse of your world of colorful roses, unbounded! What do the shelves the entrance to the Garden is house between look like? What books do they contain? What does the water feel, taste, look like? The grass? The roses? Give the character more time to explore on their own before you introduce the Gardener; that's what they wanted at the beginning after all.
The ending could be made clearer, but I will elaborate on how with the SPaG crit free DLC ready for downloading soon. Alright, hopefully that's actionable. damn wikidiot, serves me right for not using a google doc
—Oli
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
