The Primarch in her gracious benevolence, would not seek an unjust conflict.
you want a comma after "Primarch" here
claims a boon is yours to claim
a little repetitive
yet my eyes are drawn to her left shoulder; her daughter stands tall,
maybe something like 'there her daughter stands tall' because it's a little unclear why her shoulder is her daughter
"Because of this, I have chosen him to be my champion in a new cause!" she cries, "Crushing the Fey's impudence!"
My breath hitches.
you need a line break here
dripping with honeyed compulsion.
you used this same construction earlier ('dripping with honeyed praise') and it kind of stands out. you might be trying to draw a parallel between the earlier line and this one, emphasizing that the praise has turned to compulsion. in that case i would make it more explicit that you're linking the two thoughts.
you require a weapon and a grand one at that
consider a comma between 'weapon' and 'and' here
from the dias
dais
can not be said
'cannot'
No, a rival,
consider 'no, it was a rival' here. also, i would consider breaking 'not that i have met him' into its own sentence, for punch.
But, he, Primarch of Greed, has
you don't need the first comma, and should change 'has' to 'had'. additionally in this line i would either merge the sentence starting with 'yet' into this paragraph, or break it into its own line
magic pouring from its fingers
you use it here and he later to describe this character. also — i think this is a good place to mention i am hungry for imagery. we have had a lot of dialogue for a while and the description of the effects of the fey combatants, which was great, feels distant. tell us more than just "magic" here imo. give us a description, sensory input. make this section even more visceral.
I awake boundless.
the rest of this section is awesome. really good stuff. you can pack more imagery like you use in the back half of this paragraph into the first half, and also wherever else you want. you almost cant do enough when what you do is as good as this
I do not know the crimes of this particular Fey, nor do I care.
i would definitely merge this with the lines before to make a little paragraph. it follows so neatly.
Somehow, I know I can manipulate it,
here again, i would merge with the prior line
I decide to shatter them.
don't tell us this. show it to us. let the monstrosity of what happens next speak for itself
They scream as the Lantern opens like a hungry maw, and after but a moment, my finger pushes into the dirt, as they are drawn within its depths.
and to that end i think you can draw this out and play up the horror here
"I-" I mutter.
i would consider an em-dash here. "I —" looks and reads much more cleanly
Those conversations continue with discrete honesty and engagement as two elevated outsiders in positions where those around us bury their hatred under an ever-shifting veil of respect.
this whole construction feels awkward, stilted. i don't know how to fix it exactly but i would revisit it
I can't recall if it was friendship, romance, or something in between, but we never had time to figure that all out.
the last part of this feels…. weirdly like, out of place and idiosyncratic for the tone of the piece. i also think if you combine it with the previous line it would give the next line a lot more impact.
somewhere else in their land, no the blade strikes home
this probably needs to be two sentences, or at least punctuated differently
So her champions, including me, the mightiest, are sent to the war front to hold back the tide.
I fail.
i would cut all of this completely
The Ruudashi do not fight like the Fey, there is no carelessness to their attacks. They rage, but it is directed, they overwhelm a point rapidly, scavenge it and then push on.
this is two back-to-back comma splices. semicolons, em dashes, or splitting into two sentences can be your friends here
I arrived.
you probably want this one present tense
it’s head
its head
pulling a one
cut the 'a'
glittering viscera turning to common ichor
consider a different verb from 'turning' here
for but a moment. I am pushed backward,
here you have a period and need a comma
Their teeth
its teeth
battle.
With a final push, I pierce through its back, and it falls to pieces.
either break or join
he stand a good two
he stands
blacked armor
blackened. also, revisit the next sentence, it's a little unclear
I think Heldite caught wind of Magdelene’s correspondence after a while, because I was left in silent isolation for what could have been months… perhaps years. The only contact with home, cold meals in abandoned rooms and supplies sent through magical conveyance so my hunts could progress ever deeper.
this is really good. i think we need to be given more time with this to let the emotional impact land. explore in your mind how all this would really feel and affect this character. i think there's a huge amount to be gained in terms of characterization during this period of isolation
i also think we need more specificity from the section with heldite casting the cataclysmic spell. more description, more clarity regarding the ruin she is wreaking. we get some responses from magdalene but none of it is especially clear, just 'primarchs bad'. even heldite says virtually nothing — you keep the dialogue cryptic, but there isn't really enough to grab on to here. i know we see the door, but the whole piece is crying for payoff here. this is your climax! don't be cagey about what happens to magdalene, about what happens to the primarch, or about what any of it signifies.
the last section is good, it delivers a nice little denouement.
overall i think this is a major improvement in terms of flow, action, characterization, and setting from the first draft. regarding whether to delete and repost or to just post this over — i think it retains enough of the original content/concept to justify being called a rewrite and just pasting over, but it's really up to you. regardless i would definitely consider taking another couple passes, seeing where you can fit in imagery into some of the drier sections, and really let the emotional content of the work have some more space to breathe.
good work though — it has come a long way!
