Crit Request: Daffodil
I would like feedback on how it reads, characterization, what could be improved, cut added or otherwise. https://wanderers-library.wikidot.com/forum:new-thread/c/110324
Crit Request: Daffodil
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» Crit Request: Daffodil
Fresh from the Bakery, a la Oligarch!
Daffodils of pink and white surrounded the man, and he made a curious face as he gently placed the apple into his satchel. He knelt down to pick one, lifting it to his nose and taking in the flower's heavenly scent.
Minor nitpick, I was confused as to whether he was picking a different apple or a flower. Perhaps restructure
The coos of doves, the prancing of two nearby does, the dance of a butterfly he had disturbed, it was far too much to keep his mind from wandering.
That comma after disturbed should probably be a colon.
"We all 'know' things we don't," said the King. "You should go home."
What does he mean here? it's not clear
It had the scent of something unlike anything, sweeter than one could comprehend.'
Typo'd apostrophe at the end there
The King was met with a punch to the jaw as he entered the cell. He simply smiled at his attacker, a tall, rather plump bearded man with striking orange hair, The man was dirty and in rags, his eyes flooded with hate, evidently to the King.
Accidental comma, meant to be a period
— — — —
Right, straight off the bat, your prose is decent. What I instead want to focus on is the structure aspects to the story itself. What is the point? What justifies its existence? What does it have to say? What does it want me to feel? The answer to these questions right now: nothing, or next to nothing. "The author believes x about x," but both variables are left murky at best. You can't just write a story about the story itself, that's circular. You need a point A and point B to travel, to contrast them, to compare them to hypothetical point C, and to give us readers a clear-cut answer to the previous questions.
Similarly, the tone, voice, and characters could be tightened. I see strong skeletons, but dilapidated organs and zero muscle. I need motives! Why does the king keep prisoners? Why does he need the daughter of the ginger man? What is the prisoner in relation to the king? The king in relation to the daughter? Obviously, the king and queen are evil, but I need more than "they're the bad guys because they do bad things." Why?
Overall, its a strong start, but every story needs more answers than questions. This has more questions than answers. Keep on with it! Feel free to contact me with the next draft,
—Oli
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
Apologies, I meant to fix that. http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/almathejoyous
Hello! Sorry it took me a minute, but crit time! This is going to be somewhat SPaG-heavy, that's just how I crit, but I'll give my overall thoughts at the end.
The midday sun was gentle, pleasant, and shone revealing light…
SPAG: This isn't big, but the phrasing here is very awkward. It says:
"The sun was gentle. The sun was pleasant. The sun was shone revealing light…"
The simplest fix is "The midday sun was gentle and pleasant, and it shone revealing light…"
but may I suggest: "The midday sun was gentle and pleasant as it shone revealing light…
or
"The midday sun was gentle and pleasant, shining revealing light…
…he had disturbed, it was far too much to keep his mind from wandering.
Style: In order to add emphasis to the final phrase, consider changing that comma to a semicolon (disturbed; it), a dash (disturbed— it), or elipses (disturbed… it).
With that, he produced a small journal and opened it to a list of fifteen feminine names, adding "Daffodil" as the sixteenth.
Oh… That's beautiful but it hits me hard.
The King was suddenly standing right in front of the girl with his now bloody sword raised to the sky. The Huntress's head fell to the ground, her final terrified expression frozen on her face.
I did not see that coming but WOW. Way to hook the reader!
Her crimson, sullen eyes…
Change to "Her sullen, crimson eyes" to make it more natural. This is a weird unwritten rule of English: Adjectives actually have an order, and it feels much more natural for colors to be at the end.
…then brightened when they looked up to see her beloved.
Change "then" to "but", this better shows the contrast in her mood.
The Queen shot a somewhat naughty grin to her husband…
Oh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…
"I missed you like life itself," he whispered.
God, he just like me, frfr
"It's been an hour, love."
"One of torment. Has my Princess behaved herself?"
GOD HE JUST LIKE ME, FRFR
"I've something for you, starflower." he said…
Change the period to a comma, since the quote isn't the end of the sentence. Capitalize Starflower since it's a nickname.
Also, love love LOVE that nickname!
…sweeter than one could comprehend.'
Is that random apostrophe a mistake? If not, why's it there?
…legs the King immensely wanted wrapped around his waist.
OH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
The King scolded himself for the thought, there was work yet to do, after all.
SPAG: This is actually a comma-splice run-on sentence (and not a "sentence that feels lkie a run-on because it's long"). The first comma should either be a semicolon (thought; there) or a subordinate conjunction (thought since there). I recommend the semicolon, not just because it keeps the flow of the original, but because semicolons add street cred when used properly.
The Queen pulled a lock of raven hair behind her ear and looked at her husband in a way that most often resulted in the man-
"Down, boy," the King thought to himself.
OH MYYYYY— that dash shound be an m-dash (—), not an n-dash (-) (aka hyphen). alt+0151
…Shall I have our bed prepared?"
The King pondered this, temptation on his face, but waved the vile thoughts away. "Not right away, I'm afraid. I've been putting this off for too long."
The Queen pouted for a moment, but soothed her disappointment by falling back into her book.
OH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! Dang. I often cringe at, umm cough cough suggestive writing, and I'm much too cringe to write it myself, but they way you write it is GOOD.
The King was met with a punch to the jaw as he entered the cell. He simply smiled at his attacker, a tall, rather plump bearded man with striking orange hair, The man was dirty and in rags, his eyes flooded with hate, evidently to the King. He was bruised and had a slight limp, but his punch was like lightning.
Beautiful characterization for both of them, love every word!
Well, except one word. I think it should be hate "for the King" or hate "of the King," not hate "to the King."
Also, consider changing the simily at the end to a metaphore. "His punch was lightning" instead of "his punch was like lightning."
…his voice gruff and water-deprived.
I feel like there's a better word than "water-deprived." Bone-dry? Arid? Parched? Waterless?
"I am not that kind of man. Your people only execute criminals who are healthy and uninjured, yes? Those ready to face death at full strength? I figured, as thanks to you and your wife for providing us such a wonderful little girl, I'd provide you and your wife with a proper death."
Dang.
"Oh come now, an injured or sick man couldn't strike me so hard."
The man's eyes began to widen. Then his head hit the floor.
DANG.
The girl's father entered and gave a quick smile to the maid as she left.
Ah, saying the King is now her farther without stating that he's now her father. Nice.
Sweet dreams, my little Daffodil.
Oh. Wow.
WOW, this is an incredible introduction to your characters and universe. I loved the characterization, the subtle hints to lore, the way they're so gentle until they aren't, EVERYTHING! This also brought out a plethora of emotions in me, in the absolute best way possible! Honestly, I'm not sure there needs to be much changed at this point, it's all very good!
Looking forward to both seeing this published and the reading more from this world!
-THB
-T.H.B.
I forget how to do collapsibles
So here I am
King in a sloppy embrace
I've never heard of a sloppy embrace, so perhaps a unkempt or clumsy embrace?
Besides that single spag error this piece is genuinely quite wonderful. Your usage of light sexuality to create characterization and the overall tone and vibe of th epiece is fantastic. You create an ambience that follows the entire piece from end to end, and I consider this to be a wonderful snack of a tale. The power of the king is put on full display,a nd th eduality of his love for his daughter and hatred for most other life shines through. My only suggestion would be one more scene showing him being viscious, but not murderous, to an underling.
Good job <3
I watch the yonder hills
See foodwrenches toil in dust
Let their cacophonous calls
Rend our bodies to rust
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